I'm just a girl

Negative, positive what are we? I thought we are friends but why are you messing up my mind? This story tells you what is going on with me. Somebody might understand but it's hard to comprehend with someone who has different ways of thinking. Expectations vs reality check! I started thinking about my insecurities when I had my partner, which I didn't thought I will be insecure. One day I was jealous and there was a reason why so I accepted it because I thought I can feel how much I love him on how I am jealous. Another came when I knew he got a close girl friend that he puts "<3" on his contacts that made her special; then I was jealous out of  the blue but I know the reason and I accepted it. Moreover, thinking about it makes it worse and opening my insecurities which I know I shouldn't be and I should believe to what he's gonna say but it's not helping. Girls starts to message him, I don't actually get jealous i'm like "Okay! cool I have the best man in the world that girls wanted to chase", half proud and scared at the same time. I'm too scared that it chase me up to my dreams, I got crazy dreams you wouldn't believe but that's like the worst part of my morning that I have to remember it when I wake up. I wish it vanished before I woke up because it hurts me so much and it lives everyday since then. I never wanted to be insecure and I know his trying his best to help me with it but I don't know. I accepted everything on his life and how it is before I came in; struggles are real since we have different cultures he acts differently that makes me jealous but that's completely fine for me. I once thought that when I will feel so much pain inside then I will learn to live with it and will no longer care about my jealousy. It worked when he told me that he just wants me to be happy and enjoy the moment outside with new people when we go out and I feel so selfish for not realizing that he just wants the best for me that the whole time I was smiling and laughing with friends he was also thinking that "nice! she's enjoying" and I'm thinking to be scared. Stupid huh! It was gone and I became positive after, happy me! It continued and I no longer insecure but my jealousy is so alive and I can feel that the more i'm jealous about someone the closer of getting back my insecurities. Now we are separated again and I'm at University a complete different kind of world for both, we got limited time to talk, I'm at school his awake at home which we normally could have been calling by then. I just want to have him as much of my free time and I'm so scared to loose him and to loose contact with him and I hope he knows. I got some time that I don't think about him when i'm in class coz normally I do think about him in whatever I do. I can sleep now at night even how much he bothers my mind over and over again, I know now how to divert my mind and not think about him and the negativity that scares me a lot. I don't know if its good for me to know how to divert but i'm so scared to get used to it and to no longer care with the things that bothers me and give him cold answers on calls. I just want to train myself to message, multi task on him and school coz probably the next next couple of weeks I'll be really busy and I will no longer have time for him anymore, that's probably why I wanted so bad to put myself on pressure now and get used to it than to ask him on the next 2 weeks if we can just do facetime every sunday. It scares me lot to reach on that point that i have to ask him that coz I dont want to. I just wanna say shit! Why am I still like this after all he showed me. Let's say trust issues but with him I got none but I have plenty of fears and I don't want him to be in the middle of it, I just cant. My boyfriend is too friendly to people or let's be specific on girls also and I understand because he never had girlfriend yet but the thing I want him to compromise is that his no longer single he has a girlfriend already I hope he don't show the same attention (as much as he gave to me) to others even how close they WERE. I'm just a girl who got this stupid nature to be jealous and I myself dont like it especially if it creates arguments I HATE IT!