the impossible coffee shop conversation

Order a hot chai latte with whipped cream and cinnamon powder.

If he tries to make small talk, interrupt him.

"Thank you for agreeing to talk to me. If I could just ask for one more favor, I hope you'll be willing to just listen to me first. Don't talk, just listen."

Possible awkward silence.

"It has been so long since we last saw each other. Over the years, I have imagined this conversation possibly over a thousand times. But still, I honestly don't know where to start."

Get your chai latte, then seat down next to him so you don't have to keep eye contact all throughout.

"I guess I'll start from the beginning. You were probably one of my oldest friends if we hadn't drifted apart. We met when I was around 7 or maybe 10 years old. It doesn't really matter. The thing is, we were literally kids and it was the first time I heard someone say they like me. It was our pastor, your father, telling my mom that you had a crush on me. I was a lonely kid and I don't have much memory from my childhood, but remembering that moment always feels like it was just yesterday. I knew exactly what it meant at the time, but I was not brave enough to face any sort of complicated emotions. Complicated is an understatement, because she was the only one close enough to my age, and we naturally became friends, almost as if we just had to. And not long after, she came up to me and told me that you were her boyfriend. I was so confused and she even gave me a high five. Being a stupid kid, I blabbed about it to someone else, hoping they could make some sense out of it. But then, she found out and what happened next was my first traumatic experience at church. I was humiliated and bullied by someone I thought was my friend. That entire day is probably one of my core memories and a major factor for my people-pleaser personality. Since then, I guess I never really saw a future where either the two of you would be a genuine friend."

Awkward pause. Take a sip of your chai it might be getting cold.

"Anyway, I just pushed down the trauma and tried to keep my distance. Then, a few weeks later, I heard a rumor that the two of you planned that as a ruse to make me jealous."

Look at him and briefly observe his reaction and non-verbal cues to deduce the truth.

"Well, it doesn't matter, because I believe you guys made it official soon after that. As for me, upon hearing the rumor I guess that's the time I learned what it means to be passive-aggressive. So I continued to keep my distance. However, not long after I started high school, I started to show signs of depression. Even though I technically didn't know about it at the time, I was almost always emotionally and mentally vulnerable. I turned to church for solace and peace of mind. Since I was always at church, there was no avoiding it, I eventually became close with you and her again and we also befriended him. Naturally there were four of us, with two boys and two girls and we were dumb teenagers, a lot of shit happened that I wouldn't even want to start to remember much less deal with right now. But in all that haze of teenage chaos, there's actually a single moment in there which for me is the minute that will never end. It was the only time in my life which I can describe as magical."

Drink your chai. Smile, this is the good part.

"I don't even know if you remember this. We were out one Saturday, teaching children bible stories, I forgot what we used to call it, and the two of us had a bit of free time. I think we were waiting for something, and we were sitting on wooden chairs next to each other. Then I leaned on you, my head rested perfectly against your shoulder. Suddenly, you started touching my hair, sort of brushing it with your fingers or wiping it from my face. For a minute, it didn't feel like we were at some house sitting at hardwood chairs. Everything just felt brighter and it's almost as if there was music too. Every brush of your fingers, I felt this sort of spark, like mild electricity surrounded my whole body. Like I said, the only way I could describe it is that, it was simply magical. And so far, I never felt that way again with anyone, not even with the father of my child."

Drink again but avoid eye contact.

"And, yeah. Basically, it was my first and only experience of truly falling in love. But at that point, I was still too much of a coward to say anything, much less do anything about it. After all, one of my supposed best friends was dating you, secretly. I just tried to go with the flow, until that day."

Take a deep breath, he needs to finally hear this.

"We were at church. You were playing the piano for me, and I was sitting next to you on that little piano chair. You had a cold that day. I remember you snorting so much but I never paid much attention to it and I didn't mind at all. And then suddenly you put your arms around me and started kissing me. I was in shock and reflexes took over, I probably kissed you back, I honestly don't remember. But I do remember stopping you. After I stopped you, I was still in shock and I couldn't move. I just continued to sit there, listening to you play the piano again. I don't know if my silence just translated something entirely different to you, because you did it again. You started kissing me without my consent, and I stopped you. I remember you kept saying the phrase - one last - not even bothering to finish the thought 'one last kiss'. You kept repeating that and I kept stopping you. I'm pretty sure that cycle went on 3 to 5 times before I gained my senses and realized I had feet and legs and I could walk away. But then, as I tried to walk away from the piano, you followed me and pinned me against a wall and kissed me again, saying - one last. At that point, I wanted to scream and break down but I couldn't because there were other people in the church that day and I don't want them thinking I'm a slut, or worse, stealing my best friend's boyfriend. After I stopped you for the last time, I knew I had to run. I ran down the stairs hoping I would trip and fall and die, but that didn't happen. Instead I was met with glaring eyes, as if people knew what happened and they were judging me like I had the dirtiest and the darkest soul. All I could do was swallow back cries for help and hold back my tears. I ran out of the church gate and for the first time in my life I felt lost in the most familiar places. I kept running in circles. Towards my old school, and then that old park, and then somewhere near that big Catholic church  cemetery. I kept running and crying and I remember strangers looking at me like I was crazy. I only stopped to catch my breath and tried to calm myself down in the middle of the streets. After that, I ran all the way to my house and headed straight to bed, and cried some more. I cried for hours, until my sister and my mom got home from church, wondering why I left without them. I never talked about that day for a long time."

Finish your tea, and wrap it up.

"But, surprise, my depression got worse. Although it's a given that I had my own series of failures during high school, it was a real contender that my first love sexually assaulted me. I got careless and started sharing secrets with people, and word got out about that incident. Funny how it was always just a cycle of me blabbing and her bullying me. Anyway, until now, I'm still not right in the head and I'm properly worried about raising my son while I'm still dealing with these issues, that's why I wanted to confront you, once and for all. I know that you have also been working on yourself all these years. I know that you preach forgiveness from God. But before we both move on completely with our lives, I wanted you to know that I also forgive you, but I will never forget. You were the best, and the worst thing that ever happened to me."

Let him speak if he has anything else to say, but don't reply, no matter what. Just nod and politely ask for the conversation to end.