IS IT STILL LOVE?

Is it love? That you always feel the pain whenever you see something that is small but gives you a big impact of feeling broken like, for example, you stalk your partner's account and you saw his' ex reacted love/heart in every post he posts. And you start to ask questions in your mind; "Are they together again?", "does he missing her?", "does he missing her texts, calls, smiles, and laughs?", "What if I give up on him? Will he be happy with her?", "What if he doesn't really loves me?", "Is he isn't happy being with me?", "did I do something wrong?", and so on. When the right time comes and truths will revealed, am I ready? Or not?

Is it love when the situation is always hurting and breaking you into pieces? Is it love that you will happiness and at the same time, sadness? Is it love that he have so many things that is kept on him alone? Is it love that all you do together is sex? Is it love that he is not giving you an assurance, even though he gave you letter and flower last Valentine's day? Is love that you feel like your all alone who is working in the relationship you have? Is it really love that makes us feel down on earth?

Tell me. Is it still love? Or I am just blind with the love I have for him? Am I that obvious enough that I am so stupid? Then, damn me! Damn me, for loving him even though I know that I didn't deserve this kind of treatment. Damn me, for still loving him even though I'm not 90% sure that he loves me too. Damn me, for not applying those lessons I learned in this relationship I have with him. Damn me, for giving this third chance to him.

But, why I can't unlove him? Why is it my hypotalamus can't just replace him, though there are a lot of guys who is waiting for me outside and really can prove that they are fucking serious as af, and they really adore me and love me? Why I can't control the situation, even though I always choose to stay on the safe side so I don't get hurt?

I always pray. I always ask for sign/s. Maybe, it is my fate. Maybe I should give space to us, to see if he will fight for us. Maybe it's just a challenge for us to see how deep is our love for each other. Maybe there's a greater and better surprise and blessing waiting for the both of us.

I trust God. I trust God in everything in my life. God's love is my strength, even I feel like I'm dying alive. God's love fix every broken pieces of me so I can be whole again. God's love is all I need. I should deepen my faith and relationship with God. I should be look for positives because God is with me always. God won't betray me. God loves me. And I should always remember that, I should always take note of that.