i am letting you go, not because i don't love you anymore, but because keeping you means losing you, and i am not ready to lose you, again.
it has always been me, my own reflection, my own shadow, it has always been just "me". it has always been me who wanted nothing more that just to feel nothing at all, to be loveless, emotionless, to be nothing but a person with a name and nothing more. it has always been just "me" until you came along and ruined every barrier i have built to encapsulate me from the world of love and happiness.
it was beautiful, magical. it was wonderful, everything was just so fine, and never in my life i have felt so fine until that very moment when i was with you. it was very pleasing to hear every "i love you" from your mouth, and that moment, i have learned that my heart is not only beating fast during an anxiety attack, but also when happiness fills it. you did not hear anything from me in return, but you saw me stare at your eyes, exploring every emotion, wanting to go beyond, and reading what lies beneath those raw words you have just said, as my heart is rapidly beating because for the first time in a long time, i knew i was important to someone. but as we get along the journey of uncertainty, i have felt that every wave of doubts longs to kiss the shore of my unforgiving self.
i knew i would be going to leave soon, and i knew too that so are you. i have learned the art of leaving people, the beauty of broken hearts and the catastrophic history left inside minds. i guess what i am really trying to say here is that we all have our insecurities, and somehow, i am insecure of the girl you used to love, and the girl who loves you. and no, i am not insecure of the moments they have shared with you, although i would be admitting that i am jealous of the love they can give you. they can give you the love you deserve, and here i am, giving you only a portion of my heart when you deserve the whole. i am the kind of girl who stops herself from giving everything in, because somehow, the tornadoes of the horrifying past keep destroying every trust she finds way to build. what i really meant was that the past made us who we are today, and my past molded me into someone who cannot give everything at once, and never even sure if she could give anything at all.
then rain drops, tears fall, and typhoon comes, hurricane approaches, tornado hits and everything just started to fall into places they are not supposed to go with. and i have realized that the chaotic heart of mine cannot be fixed at all. maybe because it is just too damaged, just "too much", but not enough to love at all. and keeping you inside it would only lead you to building much more damage though you are trying to fill every space with the love you are giving. keeping you inside this heart of mine, would only lead you to the unsatisfying failure of not having it the way you wanted it. keeping you inside this heart would mean having you lost in the maze and puzzle pieces that don't seem to fit each other, and i don't want you being lost, balancing between giving up and letting go. and besides, everyone gets tired, right? so i guess, even though you are not tired yet, there would come a time where you would be leaving my heart just the way it was before, because you cannot fix a "too damaged" piece of organ that everyone associates with love figuratively. and so i am letting you go, not because i don't love you, but because keeping you, means losing you.