It's quarter past eleven, and I have to wake up early. Yet, I don't want to sleep. It certainly has something to do with me going to a new job tommorow.
I'm not stressed. Not really. Went through the process couple of times already, plus I already worked part-time at the firm couple of years ago. Am a bit tense, have to admit. But that is just the usual "I don't know what's exactly going to happen, and I don't like it!" If you by chance don't know this feeling, then I am glad for you. Anxieties are a bitch.
My mom has a depressive disorder. I probably got some variant of it as well. So let me tell you, ain't nothing worse than thinking through every possible scenario of the day ahead of you. Everything turns to shit, every word you plan to say sounds stupid in your head. You can already see the hidden eye rolling and sighs.
Learned to deal with it. Usually through cigarettes, intoxicants and cold logic. Cigarettes to pass the time, intoxicants to stop thinking too much and logic to think sharply. Life is easier if you don't think too much about it. I know that I can handle the job. I tell myself I do look good in the new clothes I bought. I convince myself I am good enough of a worker to do an adequate job. Plus it's the first goddamn day anyway. What am I gonna do really? Walk in, sign myself up, get my shifts and pretty much leave?
Just another day in the life. It's going to be alright. The previous realizations won't stop the anxieties, obviously. But they make them passable, minor. The same goes with other troubles. With the desire to find another partner, with the need for adequate living conditions, with the want of "artistic fulfillment". They sound like such huge problems in your head, yet they are basically just ideas you cannot think through. Which is the reason why it's so easy to get depressed; you want to solve the unsolvable, and the impossibility of this calculation gives you a weird, negative satisfaction.
The worst thing about that is these negative feelings are addictive. I tend to live a sort of happy life nowadays. At least compared to my life at age 6-19. At that age I was heavily screwed up in the head. The only thing I felt was sadness.
When all you feel is sadness, the sadness gets satisfying. The worse you feel, the...better you feel. Lacking other strong emotions, you take intensive depression for the only state you are not just a grey hidden shadow. Imagine you live like that for years. No other emotions, just sadness sparking up generic emptiness.
I was lucky. Worked on myself without any psychiatric help, pulled my shit mostly together. I even have days when I actually am happy. Yet when the Fall comes, and the rain whispers just outside the window, the sweet spleen comes back. And every second of it is quite lovely.
I am going to light up another cigarette. I will enjoy the moment. Savor it. And I will let it go. Because I am an adult now, and I have to pull my shit together. I'll wake up tommorow, fix myself up, and go to work. I'll be in the cycle again. Everything will be alright.
It's quarter to midnight, and I should really go to sleep. I won't. But I should.