All the lies I have been telling myself have kept me sane but not happy. My smile hid the deepest of my sorrows that none could see. The muted cries of help went unheard. Although it was my choice to be left alone, I needed a friend. I needed someone to ask me if I was okay. Because I wasn't. I was fighting. Fighting with the urge to hurt myself.
Day and night, every day, I had only the negative thoughts. How do I stop them? I wanna jump of a bridge, how do I stand still? I cannot breathe, how will I survive? My eyes won't stop hurting, how should I sleep? I wanna give up on myself, how do I hold on?
I had everything ready to make my next journey but whom would it help. Me? Yes. Whom would it hurt? The answer was never ending. How would anyone leave everyone they love behind knowingly? I chose to be alone when I was down. How different it would be if I opened up? Would I be ready then? Probably not. But why? Because I would have someone who listened to me, someone to give me a hug, someone to wipe away my tears, someone to lean on.
What difference will I make?
Have you ever asked this to your beloved ones?
I think no. So better ask them before I ask myself. Because when you doubt your worth it is them that lift you up. You may be a disappointment in someone else's life but in theirs you will always be important.
Am I a loser? I'll be if I decide to do this. How can I be strong? I don't need to be strong. I just wanna be heard to make my heart light. Weakness isn't a bad thing. Being strong is not the only option. I can be weak and happy. But I can never carry on with a heavy heart.
How will I overcome? I already know the answer but why didn't I consider it? Because I was afraid that I may be laughed at. I was afraid that my pain wouldn't matter much. I was afraid that I'll be pinned down for more pain. Will I be able to take anymore of that pain? No. So, I wanted to take this path.
Is this correct? Damn, if this was correct I wouldn't be having these second thoughts. This is wrong, absolutely wrong. Because it doesn't do me any good. It just leaves many others in tears. Do I want to take this road anyway? I don't think so. Because in the end it is them who lend us their shoulder to lean on.
What did I do? Oh the usual, called my friend, had a nice chat. The truth was finally spoken out; there was no need of those lies anymore. I was alright. It was 2AM in the morning, so I went to bed and slept peacefully.