Let's talk about goodbyes

Let's talk about goodbyes. Let's talk about them without pretending how beautiful they are. Let's talk about goodbyes without thinking of the new beginnings, instead let's think about the bitter endings. Not the kind that teaches me how to let go with grace, no, the kind that makes me a shell of a person, unable to hold on to anything or anyone, anymore. Not the kind of good-bye where I am sitting on the sidewalk watching you walk away with a smile, no, that's too pretty to be true. Not the kind of goodbye that makes me stronger, no, I want to talk about the one that weakens me down to my core. The one goodbye that takes away all that I am, all that I feel, leaving me numb in its wake.

Let's talk about the one where I am looking down the barrel of a loaded gun waiting for you to pull the trigger, where you just look away from the mess you made, where I am left all alone to pick up the pieces, and the one where I eventually end up hurting myself with the shards. Let's talk about goodbyes as they really are, as they really feel.

I want to talk about how I can't remember what time it was or how beautiful the weather was or whether or not it was about to rain because I was too busy focussing on your voice, your looks, your laugh, your smile, absorbing every single detail with my eyes and burying it somewhere deep inside the trenches of my mind. So deep that someday, hopefully, even I will forget how to find my way back to those.

I want to talk about the goodbye that will force me to keep lying through my teeth all my life.

I am fine.

I am fine.

I am fine.