I'm kind of all over the place tonight, my college roommate is getting married, I was thinking about how perfect they were and I broke down. I remembered how perfect we were. I wish I had watched "The Walking Dead" with you because now I watch it religiously and we could've bonded over knowing Glenn isn't really dead. I wish I went to the gym with you all those times you offered to help me workout, because now its what gives me peace. I miss getting mad at her mess and you calming me down, I miss getting told I was going to get married in a gazebo because of one night drinking ever clear, I miss not being able to sleep because your snores would keep me awake at night. I miss having my hair messed up after each car ride because your car's air didn't work and we had to crack the windows to keep from suffocating. I miss laying on the trampoline and just looking up at the stars that cold winter. I loved that your christmas present to me was a ticket to Universal just so you could take me. I'm sorry I gave up when you cared. I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough to deal with the stress of figuring out my own life and I let go of everything that mattered. I texted you once, at 2 am, and laughed because like the good guy you are you texted me back within 5 minutes. The next time I texted you, sober, I got a reality check. You were with someone else and she made you happy. You took trips to the grocery store with her, probably to buy more chicken because you loved to cook chicken, unless it was a game day then it was always burgers. People we knew together saw you, and they would tell me she wasn't pretty, but that didn't matter, you were with her. I still cheer for the Dolphins because I knew you did. I think of you when I listen to politics on tv and remember how much you hate it as much as I do. You know you look like Kristoff from Frozen, you have that charming Disney prince personality, you were goofy and cute and you cared. I miss the way you smell, if I'm out and I smell your cologne I still get hopeful its you and then its not. I'll admit I've been on your facebook in the past, and then I see that old profile picture, the one of us at Christmas time, from the best weekend trip I've ever been on, somewhere on my computer are all the pictures from that vacation and I laugh so much because we were ridiculous and I was happy. I was so happy. I'm writing this after seeing your page again. It says single and my heart skips a beat, I'm listening to "Should've Been Us" by Tori Kelly and wondering how to find out if its true. All I want to do is text you but its 1 am, but then I realize what would I say, why should you even text me back? What have I done in the last 4 years to deserve you texting me back? I wish I could take back that night at your place, I should've gone back said sorry and hid my face in your hug, I wish I had listened to my mom and just thought it through. My parents loved you, my sister loved you. I still love you and I fucked up. This isn't just a tonight thing. I can't tell you the countless nights I've thought this over. The nights I spend vent-writing over other guys I still can't write about you, I don't want to think its done forever. God I remember hating you so much when you wouldn't text back, and then you would and I would get butterflies. Remember that time you took me to a Plain White T's concert and we matched...so I had to buy shorts as soon as we got to Universal because we couldn't be "that couple", so you stood there in the fitting room and helped me pick, I still really like those shorts. Now I'm listening to "Hey There Delilah" and wishing I would gather up the courage to text you.
So all I can say now is, Hi.