I started working out for all the wrong reasons, the man I thought I was meant to be with for the rest of my life, the one I loved unconditionally, who’s opinion I valued more than I should’ve. All it took was one comment and my self confidence was shattered. He would look at other girls in front of me, make comments on how I could improve this or that. I remember sitting at the dinner table and having my soon to be mother in law commenting on how I ate like a little bird. I hated running but when he went to work I pushed myself to exhaustion. Friends would comment on pictures saying how thin and amazing I looked. I felt great, hoping he would notice. He didn’t. I was replaced and felt worse than I ever thought was possible.
But this didn’t just start with him, I remember in high school reading formspring’s anonymous questions and comments “you pregnant bitch?” “how could Brendan chose your fat ass over her” “lose some weight”. It never ended. I couldn’t look in a mirror without hating myself.
I would look in the mirror and think man I could try harder, I had to stop myself and think,”no” and yea sometimes I still do, its a horrible internal struggle. Everyone tells me they’ve seen a huge change since I started working out and fighting, I have to try so hard to see what they see. Those words, those scars, they don’t leave…You can’t help but compare yourself to the girls you follow on instagram or seeing an exes new girlfriend and wondering “is it because her body is better than mine?” even if you know thats not why.
You’re told to love yourself and then the script gets flipped and suddenly you’re not good enough.
Beyonce put it best when she said pretty hurts. Perfection is a disease of a nation
I waited 2 years you read right 2 years to wear a dress I bought for my birthday because every time I would put it on I just didn’t feel pretty enough. At the age of 22 I’ve finally gotten my shit together, I wore that dress, I felt beautiful, and I had one of the best birthdays of my life. Now I go to the gym for me, I go because after I feel amazing. I realize there are some things I’d rather improve on but these things take time. There are guys who would prefer a Victoria’s Secret model, but then there are the amazing ones I meet who tell me I’m gorgeous and perfect the way I am. I used to hide my stomach in pictures, avoid any in a bikini, or suck it in. Now I just don’t care, I am no longer fighting to be skinny and perfect, I’m fighting to be better than I was yesterday.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go eat a brownie ;)