Letter to the guy who both completed me and destroyed me

Dear,

I remember it. I remember it all. The first time our eyes met… oh yes! I know I can’t write it because our eyes never met but that’s the beauty of this relationship I fell in love with you without even looking into your eyes. I still laugh thinking about the day you first messaged me and I wrote in my diary “such a weirdo he was!” who would have thought that almost two years later, we would be here? This place that is neither here nor there.

How do I even explain our relationship anymore? In some ways it feels like more than a relationship and in other ways, I remember the day you told me that you have fallen in love again. To be honest for a second I thought it would be me! Because that’s what I am doing holding on to one edge of the rope and wishing when will you hold the other?

Sometimes I got furious at myself for all the things that I have wasted on you the last 2 years. Sometimes I think about all the other love, other boys I could have experienced.

I wonder how much of myself I left in you, and in wake of us.

But at the same time, it thrills me that I have experienced someone- because you were an experience, not just a person to be met- that has made such an indelible mark on me. For as much as you broke me, you made me whole in different ways.

You said to keep me on surprising you because you believe in me and that I have talents and potentials or maybe more. Day by day, I felt like I am brand new because I was learning a lot from you. I think you still don’t know that I have a secret list of things I have always wanted us to do, to begin with, making love under moonlight, cuddling near fireplace, drinking a bottle of wine on the rocks looking out into the ocean, kissing underneath blossoming fireworks on a rocky beach cove (this one is my fav) doing shopping, going to beach at night, planning trips, ride bikes, waking up next to you everyday…..and the list is endless.

The day when you will find your true love ask her whether she can love you for 2 years without seeing you daily, without smelling in the scent of you and without touching you.

All of those fragments have made up the incongruous, messy pile of memories and experiences of whatever we are, whatever we have been. However, as broken as it seems sometimes, as harsh and dangerous as it looks from a distance, there beauty to it upon closer inspection. Much as there is a method to the madness, there’s a beauty to destruction. I never knew about the depth of how much I could love someone before I met you. You made me see the opposite, the irony and the satire. You let me distinguish between the real and unreal. You let me decide on my own. You gave me the courage to lose myself in something I truly wanted. You taught me that’s it’s okay to collapse, to be comfortable with silence, to cry at drop of hat, to bend but not break. You were there when I failed. You looked up to me. You were there, you never left. You never fail to admire me even when I doubt myself. You made me feel beautiful when I thought I am just a normal nerdy girl whom people won’t love.

I would still stare and adore you even at your worst. You might not have been my first love, but you were the love I loved. You are the type of understanding I demand. You are the best adventure I’ve ever had. You are unusual risk. You are the choice that truly mattered.

To the guy with nice perspectives but has lonely eyes, I fell for you. To the guy who is best at letting go, the best thing I’ve ever held was you. To the guy who keeps his heart hidden, I see you. To the guy who feels everything deeply but thinks of himself empty, my heart is so full of you. To the guy whom keeps loving is hard, I have loved you.

To the guy who reads my poetry are you.

I know I am mess and yes I do break promises. I promised you that I will take care of myself and I didn’t. I promised you I will eat well and I didn’t….there are many promises that I broke, except the one that I promised to love you. This isn’t a fairy tale and neither had I wanted it to be. It’s good sometimes to get broken. You were such a beautiful destroyer and what beautiful destruction you have done.

Yours

Miss V