A letter from your old lover

   Hi, how are you?

   I hope you're fine.

   Things here have been complicated, but they are much better now. For the first time in a long time, I'm fine. Real well, actually. Sometimes I still get uncomfortable with certain things, but that longing is over. Is gone, like you: all at once, like pulling a band aid. The only difference between you and all the negative feelings that you left was that they, at least, have left me no scars. You have always been the reason for my pain, be they belly or head. You have always been my motive and my motivation.

   I loved you. For real. I loved you more than I thought I would love someone; but I just realized that our history there was only me when you decided to live your life and leave the tightrope. I found myself hanging between life and death; heaven and earth. You have always been heaven to me - wonderful, amazing, scary, unreachable.

   It took me some time to learn that love is not like that - love is more down to earth than to heaven. Love is much more palpable than what you used to give me, a lot of nothing, a lot of hope, a lot of doubts. Feelings are certainties, not charity; and I always found myself to beg for another piece of your attention.

   I believe that, on your own way, you felt something for me; but something that was not enough to make you stay. But look, that's fine. I do not blame you. In fact, I do not blame anything but chance; I cannot force you to love me the way I worshiped you. I never could force you to stay, but I tried to convince you to. I tried with messages, with links, with texts like this. I wrote a lot to you - as I said before, you are pure art and inspiration to me. You're everything I wanted.

  I still continue with many of those habits I had before, but some I left aside, because it reminded me too much of you. Remember how I always liked to wear that one shoulder red dress, even if it was cold? So I throw it out; it was no longer part of me since you left because it still had your smell. That sweet perfume with a touch of coffee and wisdom.

   Oh, sometimes I miss our conversations. I miss when we spent hours discussing the most random topics. It was exactly this: we had it. We could have lost a thousand days just talking - because also, ah, your voice was a delight to be heard. Rewriting the phrase, I could spend a thousand days just to listen to you speak.

   I don't know if you still care to know how I am. In fact, I wonder if I still run through your mind; because you walking through mine is still a constant. I know that you exist when I don’t see anything, when there is only silence. And knowing that you exist makes me happy.

   And, if you want to know, I’m not seeing anybody. I bumped into some beautiful smiles around here, but none of them were like you. One, in particular, greatly moved me; but none were able to excite my deepest instincts like you were doing. These were the two of us; a more likely couple than the theory of evolution. Still, odds are only chances of something happening - and you never wanted that we really happen. You never wanted me to be part of your life; and meanwhile my life was just a bunch of you.

   I write this letter because I find essential you to know that someone loved you. A lot; I loved like hell. I want you to know that you were very special to someone. You were already the reason of many idiot smiles when looking at the phone, many conversations with friends in cafes, many desperate dawns for attention. You already were the only thing anyone wanted in the world. You were already important, desired, expected. You were already loved by someone, I want you to know that.

   And if, for some reason, someday, someone else breaks your heart, I hope you come back to read these lines. Because you deserve to know that you are amazing. I hope you know that you are beautiful; and you deserve someone as beautiful as you, in heart and soul. You deserve much more than I could give you - just a few poems written in haste and a laugh for nothing. I do not fit you, today I realize that. We have nothing to do with each other; heaven and earth. I thought that if I flew high, I would reach you. But it's not true.

   So do me a favor: lifts your head, dried your tears, move on. Life is much more than just anyone playing with your heart in the same way that you played with mine. Life - and I - only wishes you the best.

   I also want you to know that every smile that you give, no matter where, my heart beats a bit happier.

   And even if you don’t care (if you ever did) about me or about what I think, just smile. Every smile of yours, the world gets more beautiful.

   I don’t know why you ever decided not to stay. I don’t know what I did to you, or what I have failed to do. I don’t know if you just wanted to just play with me, but know that I fell in love for real. I don’t know why there’s silence for so long. I don’t know anything. I just know that for the first time, I'm fine.

   And I hope that you are too.