Just... Tired

You know when you like someone but you know also that you are the only one doing it? When you like a guy but you are the only one hopping things to work out? When everything he does affects you? Good things and bad things? Yeah, I do. If you don't, great, believe me this is not good, it's terrible. 

I like this guy and I knew from the first moment I meet him, it was going to be special. We started talking and we become best friends. I never, ever, ever thought I would start to like him. He was like the brother I never had. Things happened and I really don't know why, I fall in love with him. I didn't wanted, seriously. A crush can ruin a friendship and me and him have the best friendship ever. I enter in a denial phase. I didn't wanted to like him and I always tried to find solutions to stop liking him. One day, we were talking and, suddenly, he ask me if I liked him (romantically). I couldn't answer... There were 2 options: or he could say he liked me back or he could say that we were only friends, nothing more. After some talk, I decided to tell him I liked him. It was one of those moments were you can expect everything... Or things would evolve or there would be no more friendship. He has this amazing capability of making me surprised... He answered that he didn't knew if he liked me or not. "What?! No.. This cannot be possible... The guy I like may feel the same for me?! A guy as awesome as him?! No.." I really didn't know what to do but I knew that we should stay in the same position, continue the friendship and if one day we both start having more intense feelings about the other, we thought about going further. And he agreed. Few weeks later, he told me that actually he liked another girl. I was devastated. I usually say "it is worse having and then losing, that never had had anything". One rule I always followed, is that friendship should come always first. So I supported him. I even helped him with that girl. I pretend that everything was okay, but inside, my all body was eroding. I cried. Now I can say it out loud but I cried. I was getting over him, like I was really into that thought, when he says he was dumb and his real choice was me. It was an amazing feeling... He made me feel like I didn't felt for a long time. I didn't wanted to fall into the same mistake, so I told to let a month pass and if he still feels the same we would go ahead. The month is still passing. In the beginning, he was that kind of guy that said all that lame stuffs and he made me laugh and blush in front of my computer. He made me feel special and desired. He made me really, really happy. Everything was just fine. Except that he loves having girl friends. Loves. One night he said "Goodnight my love, I love you a lot my princess" and in the next day, he was isolated talking to a girl. He says "only friendship, don't worry". I believe him, i really do. And then things started to "slow down". He used to say "heyy bby :3", now "hey". Then "You are the only one I love, be with me forever", now "I already told you ly, whatever". Now,  our conversations are boring and it looks only two friend talking. I asked him if he still loved me. And he said yes.

We have a thing. Writing. I like to write and I even have a blog. He created a blog because he likes to write too. It was OUR thing. Recently, he discovered this site and he told me about it. I thought I was the only one he wanted to see the texts, is our thing. When I was navigating, I found out that a really close friend of mine created an account too... At the same time I did. He told me he has invited her too. He destroyed our thing. I am mad. But I should already know that this would happen. I knew it. But I trusted him. "No, he will not do such thing". I was sooo wrong! 

Maybe things are just like this because maybe is the propose of my life. I believe in destiny. I know that the universe have something awesome to me. I know it does. I just believed that this time, things would work out for the best. When I like someone, this happens every. single. time. But this guy was different. Or maybe I thought he was different. Things should flow, right? Just talk, and talk and talk, and never get bored or never not knowing what to say. Things. Should. Work. Out! I have had so stressful weeks and it makes me tired. I'm tired people use me like and object. I'm tired of feeling special and then I found out that he is like this to other people. I'm tired people think I am stupid. I'm tired people say stuffs and the do the exactly opposite. I'm tired people think I don't have feelings. I'm tired of being tired...