Dear sky,
How are you? I'm not well and I hope the very opposite with you.
Lately, I've been losing people, people I love or loved with all my heart. And it's been taking a toll on my mental health.
After my teen years, I've been entering every new year with less and less people whom I can call mine. And this year was the worst of all.
I've read somewhere that this is called adulting. And the irony hit me hard.
As we grow up, our struggles and fights grow harder, and 20's and 30's of our lives are brutal and we actually need more healthy relationships and friendships to keep ourselves sane. But the opposite of what is needed is happening in most of our lives.
Our generation is fucked up because see- this, this is what's been missing from our lives. Human touch.
These days, I have become so superficial, treading only on the lighter brighter parts of people, in the pretext of saving myself from the pain, the pain of losing someone I love or the pain of unrequited, unreciprocated love.
I know all of it hurts but not having people whom I can claim as my own or whom I can call at 2 a.m in the midnight because I'm at the edge of breaking down for an umpteenth time that day hurts more.
How should I be close to a human when I don't allow myself to be vulnerable to human emotions? Detesting something and expecting the same thing is where I'm going wrong. And I know why I'm going wrong as well. Because I learn from my experiences and life has been a good teacher. So whom to blame? Myself? Maybe.
Sometimes, all I can think about is that 15year old kid, who was vulnerable deep down to the core and how much she loved to love the world. Oh, how much she cared for the people. She wore her heart on her sleeve, roaming around with a smile on her face as if the world was all hers to love. All the innocent palaces of dreams she built in her head came crashing down when reality hit her.
~People break hearts and they are ruthless~
And once your heart is broken, it closes itself and adds a shield, a lowly fragile protection from the next blow. But with every new broken friendship and relationship and estranged family adding on to the list, it closes more and more until it can't open anymore.
Maybe my heart's closed to people. But I wish I could open and pour love like that 15 year old. I wish I could go back. I wish for a lot of things.
I wish for an empathetic world, a happy world.
I wish for people to love with no barriers and shields guarding their hearts.
I wish for four sunsets everyday because they are beautiful.
I wish for cherry blossoms in the rainy season and snow in summers.
And I wish for someone to break the shields, not my heart this time.
I know, all impossible things. But anyway, my dream palaces, even though they are broken, wish mightily.
I wish for a lot of things.
But most of all, I wish that you'll never become me.
Until next time,
Love,
Auburn.