Like A Firefly

I have met a lot of people before. People who just laugh with you occasionally; people who just smile at you every time they see you; people you have a little chit chat with; people who actually became your friends; and your close friends. There are those who will break you; those who will waste your love and efforts. And there is someone– that someone, who will make you believe that no matter how much of a mess you are… you deserve to be loved. You deserve to be happy. And that you are a beautiful soul.

He came into my life like a firefly, occasionally lighting up my dark world. If you guys knew me, I am a pretty messed up person.

And then he came. I did not see him come to me so quickly for he was a stranger. But he did.

Have you ever experienced asking for just a flicker of light, but you were given a ray of light? A ray of hope?

He was amazing. And I don’t always describe the people I meet as amazing. It’s just that… he was. I was kind of dead for quite a while holding on to a flicker of light I was hoping to last longer inside a really dark tunnel I’ve been travelling alone. But he came. He himself became my source of light and travelled with me through the endless tunnel.

It’s beautiful how he could touch a heart frozen by self-hate and anger. It’s beautiful how he could encourage a soul to go on and he’s there to stay. He’ll always be there.

He would let you grab his hand just so you would never feel alone and scared ever again. And I did. I grabbed his hand and held it.

He let me.

For a long time, we went through the tunnel together and since he was a person capable of brightening up everything, it did not take long for me to realize that I want to feel his touch more… to feel his warmth more… to keep him safe… to keep him alive—my light.

It was a rough journey, and I noticed that he started flickering too. No. I can’t let that happen. I need to protect him… to be strong for him. And I did my best.

But then later on I noticed… I wasn’t holding his hand that tight anymore. He was holding mine now, tighter than I’ve ever held his. I had the courage to look at him straight in his eyes and I realized— he was just as broken as me.

He was just as hurt as me. Still aching on the inside. Almost dead… just like me.

I looked through him this time and decided that this person— this light, needs all the love in the world. He, who gives up his light to bring hope and life, needs to feel happiness too.

I saw how difficult it was for him to go on. I saw how scared he was. Afraid of feeling the pain. Afraid of always seeing the people he loved abandon him, over and over again despite everything he did to make them stay. I saw his scars. His heart covered up with bandages, his tears… especially his tears.

During the long walk, a melody was playing… It was also him. His music. The things he was feeling about himself, everyone else and his life. Every word, every tune… everything. I heard him. It was him.

The flickering started to fade and I had this feeling that it’s not going to last that long with me anymore. I was desperate. I did not want him to go. No. Not my light. I don’t want to be alone in this endless and dark tunnel again. I was confused and asked myself if there is really nothing I could do. If this is the end. And then I asked him. Why?

He told me reasons I could never seem to understand until this very day. Did he want me to continue this journey alone this time? I guess he got tired. Then I remembered… he is still human. A person. Not just any light. Going through the tunnel was already too tiring and terrifying for me. I guess it had been a million times harder for him. But he tried…

He tried to stay… he tried loving someone like me.

I’m going to continue this journey alone for now. Still hoping that, someday, that ray of light comes back and stays longer. Silently wishing that we could both reach the tunnel’s end.

Or if I could make it to the end alone… I want to be the light this time. I want to be with him in his own tunnel too. I definitely would without hesitations this time.

And I will stay.