Living with depression

What does it feel like? Well.. its hard to say. But i ll say i am tired. Tired of pretending to be okay. Tired of putting up that fake smile.
Its not all the days... somedays, i feel like i am happy again. I decide to go out, mix with people, but suddenly, i feel empty inside, i feel lost in between people. I am tired of the sleepless nights, but when days pulls me to bed, and not nights and i just dont want to get up. I dont want to do anything. I just want to stay there in my bed, and do nothing, anything.
Its even harder, when i am trying to think why do i feel the way i do? But its more frustrating, when i am not able to answer my own questions. I force me, i pull myself out of being so, but again, i am exhausted of putting pressure. I feel like, i have stones on my feet and i am dragging them around, each time i am out of my bed. Even the simplest things, like taking a bath, or getting my food, seems hectic. I just feel lost. Sometimes, i just want people to go away, so that i can be me. So that i can be sad and stop pretending. It feels like sadness is all i have.
Somedays, when i take my pen, thoughts flow. Somedays, i am just stuck. My thoughts are too.
I have it all when i think of it. But still feels like i am left with nothing. Somedays when i walk to the kitchen and see the sharp edges of that knife, all i want to do is peirce it to my flesh, i am just frustrated and irritated of people being around me. When they are not, i am irritated of how scared i am, to see blood, to take pain. That puts me down even more. I am not able to take my own life, so that this could end. My fears, they have given me chances to live, even though i dont want to. I lack motivation. I dont see purpose in life. All the pain, all the emptiness inside me, its all not worth living.
Sometimes, i just pass time, thinking of ways to kill me without seeing my blood. I feel numb. All i feel is sad. All i feel is pain. And my nerves, they are frozen.
When i am in my washroom taking bath, like any other day, i just break down all of a sudden. I cry out loud. I dont know why i am crying. But i know thats what i want to do. Cry.
I dont speak sometimes, cuz i am afraid of peoples saying i am looking for attention. Sometimes i even question me. Is that why i feel all this? Cuz i need attention? But as usual.. i really dont have answers to my questions.
I cant find a way to organise my thoughts. Its all scattered in bits and pieces. Things that used to make me happy before, it just seems usual. Theres no happy feelings attached to it.
I feel like nobody would care, even though they say they do. Even before, wheni cried for help, people just stut me off, and thats what i think they ll do.
I feel like suffocating me more and more, so that, if i am lucky enough.. i could die someday.
I dont choose to feel this way. This is nobodys choice.But this is what i feel. Drowning... drowning... drowning