Lost Times

I've loved and I loved then I lost you. Funny how things ended between us. Or that wasn't the end yet? Are you still there? Waiting for another chance? Are you even thinking about me? Do you miss the times we had? Or you have already forgotten such memories with me? While waiting for another chance, let me tell the world what happened years ago. I'm gonna tell the world about a story. A story that was unclear and still is. A story that the two of us created. A story that only the two of us know.  Not until this time.

We met at the most unexpected time. And it was a bad timing. We were both in between letting go and holding on. We were both hoping for something we weren't even sure if there's one to begin with. You had her. I had him. Wishing and hoping for a happy ending, and we both failed. But in between those waiting times, we had each other. We held each other's heart. I touched yours and I had no idea you did the same.

At times of hurting and suffering from a failed relationship, you were there. You held my hand. You listened to my sobs. You have known my regrets. And you have known how my heart still beats for him. At that point all I knew was you were there because you were one of the few people whom I shared that part of my book. You were there because your hope's  failed. Because she failed you. I thought you listened because you were just a friend. I never knew how you felt. I never knew you were already there for another reason.

I remember the times you tried to reach out and tell me something. But to tell you the truth, I was scared. I was aware about it but still, didn't expect it would turn out that way. We were on the phone for hours. Losing sleep just to talk to each other arguing and debating about our principles. And we both liked it. Maybe because we share the same horoscope that we do understand each other. Or maybe, our hearts are beating the same melody and rhythm at that time.

I remember the times you want us to meet somewhere. I remember the times you want to come and see me. But where was I? I was still trying to move on. And moving on doesn't begin when you have someone new to be with. Moving on begins with yourself. And I was still not ready because I was still praying, hoping and wishing for him to come back and hold my hand again. The times when I loved him with all of me was the time I lost someone who can give his all to me.

What happened next? When I looked back, you weren't there anymore. That moment, I already accepted the fact that he's no longer coming back even though I was still stupid for hoping. I was ready to face the world without him by my side. But you were already gone. We stopped talking out of nowhere. We stopped asking how our life's going through. Because you already had enough of my dramas. Because you don't want to hear how I still long for him. And I couldn't do anything about it.

After a while, we got to be together. Destiny fought for us. For our worlds to meet again. We crossed the same path for the second time around. I asked you about the thing you were dying to tell me. But you said you don't want to ruin the friendship. It didn't hurt back then. I accepted it, wholeheartedly. After that time, for the second time around, you were gone with the wind. And I got no traces where to find you. Only to know after some time that you found another path which led you to where you are right now. A path that led you to her.

Funny how the time passed us by so quickly. We didn't communicate after that time. We didn't had any idea of what is happening in our lives... again. But no, I knew what was going on with yours. Blindly, I believed you don't really love her. I didn't care if you really do. But still, I want to believe that you don't. Because I was still not happy about the things going on with my life and that you already found another to give what you could have given me if we didn't let the times go to waste. If we didn't lose the time that was given to us.

How long has it been since that very first day? One year? Two years? I'm not quite sure of the exact time.

They say fate brings two people together regardless of the time they were apart. Fate brought our souls back. The world is still fighting for us. For a few weeks, we've been together. We had our own world. We got to see each other eat, sleep and wake up the morning after. We went out to buy something to eat in the middle of the night. We were able to talk whenever we want to. We personally argue about our opinions which reminded us of the lost time. Of our lost times. We got to sleep and wake up together. We got to laugh not minding what other people say. We had people who loves us with us. It was such a perfect time. We were happy.

During such time, I was able to know everything. You were able to tell me maybe not everything but most things that went through your mind years ago. You told me you reached out to me and I can't even believe you did with those little moments. I was busy building walls that made me led your way to her. It sucks to know that I was the one who led you to her.

The time you told me you wished I stopped talking about him, was almost a whisper. A whisper that is full of emotions. Of raw emotions. I can feel the frustration and confusion. It brought me back on how things used to be back then. I felt your pain. And I blamed myself for being so blind. For building up high walls around me that you weren't able to cross. But what can I do? I was a wreck. I was hurting.  But I didn't know you were hurting too. I cried my heart out. You comforted me. I had my breakdown and you were there for me.

Having you for those times, I thought it was enough. That when we go back to reality, it will be easy for me not to look for you. I conditioned myself to not get attached to you too much. But I failed. I didn't want to go back. I wanted to stay at that time, at that place. I never wanted to leave. I wished we had more than that borrowed time. I know when we go back, I will not be able to hold your hand. I will not be able to hug you. I will not be able to see you sleeping soundly beside me. I will not be able to see you first thing in the morning. I will not be able to  kiss you good night.

My world seemed to breakdown the day we had to part ways. You held my hand and sat beside me. I cried. I cried because I don't want to face the real world. I cried because I know the next day you will no longer be around. I cried because you have to go back. I cried because I had to let you go. This time, the world didn't stop what is yet to come. And I had to face it alone.

The first night after was unbelievable. Again, I cried. I missed you already only a couple of hours since the last time I saw you. The days went on so fast. The day that I never wanted to come finally came. I saw you... with her. And it broke my heart in a million pieces. I never felt such pain before. I never felt that pain when you have  to smile and continue doing what you have to do when you're both in front of me. I suffered... a lot. And I told you about a few of them. But you didn't know I was hurting because of you. I told myself it would only last after that night. I will spend my last night with these feelings with you. I didn't want to go home back then but you wanted to. Little do you know I was already saying goodbye.

It seems like it was only yesterday when we were having a good conversation in the middle of night. It seems like it was only a couple of hours when you were trying so hard to wake me up early in the morning so that we won't be late. Funny how the world gave us a lot of times to be together. But we only grabbed a borrowed one.

And now, I'm here without you. Lying on my bed in the middle of the night while thinking of you. Having a war between my head and heart if I should text you or not. And I chose not to. I don't want to bother you. I want you to be happy even if it means being happy without me. I love you that I chose to stay here and let her love you with all her heart because I'm afraid I can't give you what she can. I know people who will read this may say I should fight for you. Because you were mine to begin with. But I won't. I will not fight because I'm afraid I'll be the one to go home crying because of losing. I love you. I love you. I don't know if it ends here or the world is planning to give us another try. If fate will let us have some time, let it be not a borrowed one because we already have enough lost times. Lost times that led me write poems of a broken heart. Of a longing soul. Of an untold story.