love and other stupid things

Love. Well, to be honest, I really don’t know what the exact meaning of love is. There are many ways you can define or describe love. Every person has his/her own meaning of love. It can be love for your family, love for your friends, love for your “bias”, love for God, and love for material things. But for me, I believe that love is the feeling of seeing someone, important to you, happy. Love is putting others first before you. It is accepting each other’s flaws. For me, love needs no reason for it to be true. What if one day, that particular reason why you loved a person suddenly disappears, will your love for that person fade, too? You can’t explain love, you have to feel it!

They say love can also make us do crazy and foolish things. However, I don’t consider those things stupid because they are just expressing themselves. But, why do people do those things when they’re in love? I, too, have done such things for love.

One of it was I cried in front of someone even though I know that he doesn’t care at all. I really don’t know what the exact reason I cried that day but thinking of it now makes me cringe and whenever I remember what happened that day I just laugh at myself for how I was so stupid back then. I had a fight with my best friend because of him. At sleepless nights, I tried to wait for him to talk to me, I hoped, but what will I get from it? Nothing, it will only take me nowhere. Another thing is that he told me he likes me, I believed in him, I trusted him but in return, he just lied to me, he played with me, he played with my feelings and I didn’t even notice that all of it was just a game right from the start.

But as time passed by, I tried to move on and I guess I did. I usually tell those things to my friend, a guy friend, which happens to be my first crush, first love. And then, shit happened. The memories, the emotions, and the feelings for my friend came flooding back. I’ll stay up until midnight just to ask how his day was, ask random and silly questions, and even made nicknames for each other. I also like to write my feelings for him in my diary. I write his name or his initials at the back of my wrist, in a blank sheet of paper or at the last page of my notebook. Sometimes, I also feel jealous about something but I know in myself that I have no right to feel it, but it doesn’t mean I don‘t.

There are a lot more crazy things that I’ve done for love that I haven’t wrote down in here. But for me, the craziest thing I've done is that I loved him even if he just treats me as his friend. I loved him even when I was afraid that he won’t catch me. I loved him even if it’s not allowed. I loved him even though he doesn’t care for me. I loved him even though he can’t and won’t love me back. I loved him with all my heart, until the day it broke. And I love him, I still do. 

But as I wrote the sentences of the previous paragraph, I wondered if love is the right term for it. And a question suddenly popped into my mind. "Is it really love?" "What if it's not?" Well, it may be yes, it may be no. 

There's one thing that I believe in. Love will come to me at the right moment. When the right person comes at the right time, I'll be ready. I will be willing to take the risk and accept the consequences.