It's easy to say, 'I hate you' but deep inside I know I still love you.. It's easy to pretend I've moved on but deep within I know I'm still stuck at your very thoughts.. It's easy to say I've forgotten you but I know I can forget the world but not you.. That our conversation still replays in my mind every night.. It's easy to say I don't care about you anymore, but only my heart knows how weird I behave whenever I get to know something is wrong with you..
Do you remember when it all started? I don't, seriously! I don't remember how I made friends with the worst guy of the class.. I don't remember how badly I was criticised when I favoured you even though you cheated on a friend of mine.. I don't remember how you suddenly drifted from me in class ix cz you thought I'm just too good to be your friend.. And then in class xi that fight between us, when for the first time you slanged me.. We didn't talk for over a month and then during the exams we sorted, don't know why or how.. Then suddenly you assigned me your bff on the 1st of December, 2012.. The TTIS debate where we participated together, the odd topic we got, remember? I don't remember the endless fights between us every day.. And your 'good night' texts which always ended with a "love you".. I don't remember how on 12th January you told me that I mattered to you more than your girlfriends.. I don't remember how you suddenly got committed into a serious relationship.. I don't remember how it killed me to know it, yet I used to congratulate you for completion of every month.. The endless times I've listened to your crap shit about your girlfriend and how I've tried and sorted your problems with her.. I don't know how and why I made friends with her for your sake and how I tried to be happy for you, but I wasn't cz I loved you and I still do..
And then the pretty big fight between us-- you slanged me on fb and I thought it was all over.. I thought I lost my bestie.. Two months, two long months without a single text, I cannot articulate how painful each moment was.. Just when I gave up all hopes of a reconciliation I received an 'I'm sorry' text from you.. I can't express how happy I was that day just to think you value me enough to seek forgiveness.. Our friendship got stronger and your relation bittered.. You clung on to me.. I remember that night you texted me, "Moti, plz save me".. And I cried the entire night cz I knew not how to help you..
Then came the day which is till date the best day of my life and probably will till the end of my time.. I thought I'd have the worst Christmas of my life-- nowhere to go-- but you turned the day into the most happening day of my life.. You'd a party to attend and I was getting bored at home-- reading physics, preparing for the test next day.. I kept on texting you for I had no mean to distract myself from the boring numericals.. And though busy, you texted whenever possible.. While returning you texted me and don't know how you knew that I was sleeping.. And then you asked your favourite question, "Do you love me?" My heart skipped a beat, cz neither did I want to lie nor confess.. So I passed the ball in your court.. But you were in the mood of confession and your text said, "Yes I'm in love with you.. happy?" I was the happiest person on Earth, I bet.. You were anxious to know my answer but I kept on ignoring.. Still couldn't hold myself and to your, "do you love me?" I sent a small, "I do.." And that was it.. I remember exactly how our conversation went that day and even after that.. And how my parents came to know about us and asked me not to text you anymore.. You have no idea how much I was scolded to love you, but I guess my parents knew you better.. It's difficult for me but I still texted you whenever I had an opportunity.. But still you thought about Annie though I didn't mind.. You called me when my parents were out and we chatted for about 30 minutes, this time not about your problems with Annie, but about me and you, about us.. 17 days of a wonderland, a joyride, a dream come true, all ending in an ugly nightmare.. How easily you told me that you don't want me in your life anymore.. You behaved so rudely, you even spoiled my name to my teachers, but I loved you still and I love you still..
I knew it was over and I told myself again and again that whatever happens I won't allow you to spoil my life again.. But so frail was my will power that I couldn't.. when you said, "you were my bestie for a reason and I can't afford to lose you for the sake of any girl", I just couldn't restrain myself.. And we became bestie again-- at first a queer strangeness prevailed, but time healed it all.. You were working in a call center then and used to return late at night.. And I used to stay awake for you.. Your car used to cross my house and I'd stand at my windows to catch a glimpse.. Those late night chat till 2:30-3:00 am are treasured in my memory.. And then that evening you told me that you love me still and my weak self couldn't help but reciprocate the same.. I thought things are here to stay.. They say, if you love someone, set them free, if they come back they are yours, if they don't they never were.. You came back and made me believe that youre mine and we're meant to be together.. But lo! How wrong I was! ¥ou cheated on me, again.. It was my birthday when we last talked perfectly.. Though you didn't talk all day, you compensated by chatting late.. This was the least you could do for me but I was happy, happy that you at least talked properly- happy that you were with me...
After that you kind of vanished saying that you're busy.. Every time I texted you, you had only one reply, "ttyl" and that later never arrived.. I knew I was awaiting another heartbreak, but I was too scared to confront it.. Then on 22nd August, I gathered all my strength and asked you, "Did you ever love me or it was a bluff again?" And all you had to say was, "Was alone tai needed someone" that too so nonchalantly..
Now you're happy in your happy and truly speaking I'm happy too.. Happy and glad you that I don't have a backstabber like you in my life aanymore.. True that I loved you, may be I still do and may I'll continue to do so.. But you can't have a place in my life anymore..
I don't cry myself to sleep thinking about you anymore.. you've lost your place in my prayers, wishes and most importantly in my diary.. Slowly you're losing your place in my heart and I'm afraid it won't be long when you'll even lose your place in my memories.. I sometimes really pity you.. You always lost those who loved you truly.. May be you don't deserve to be loved.. But I still hope that one day you'll realise what I was to you.. That day you'll regret losing me and would probably say to yourself,
"Damn, that girl really did love me!"