Let me tell you a story about how 5 men had come and go in my life. With five different characters and five different stories and five different lessons.
First.
My heart was found in your hands. Carrying it as you walk giddily in a crooked direction. You are my first love. Or maybe it was just an infatuation. You are three years older than me. You are my first man which I still can't call mine. It's complicated, I'm not ready but I have feelings for you. We loved each other as if you were mine and I was yours. You are the first guy I have hugged and held hands with. We were once a perfect match but as they say, matches burn. You put your hands on your pocket and let my fragile heart fall to the ground. You never did really love me because if you do, you would have fought for me. But thank you, because I have learned that love is ageless, and if it isn't, then it is not love.
You are my first puppy love.
Second.
In my hands are the shards of my heart. Dawdling around a desert patiently waiting for the rain to fall. And then I stumble upon a man with the same journey as mine. He shared his water with me.
I knew that you're gonna be a part of my book, a part of my story. We also are not committed to each other but we have loved truly. Or was it only I? You treated me like I was a Princess in some kingdom. But then I found out that you already have a Queen. You used me to get over her but that's okay. With you, I have learned to never love another if you're not done loving someone.
You are the effort one.
Third.
For the second time i held the shards of my heart, I kept on asking many questions; Was I not enough? Am I difficult to be loved? Do I deserve this? Am I not pretty enough? Is it my fault?
Then you are there, seated at the back of me. At first, I hated you. I don't know why, I just don't like you. But then I never expected that I will fall for you. We also don't have any commitments but I can feel that you have loved me more than my pasts do. You cried for me while kneeling, begging for forgiveness. I thought that would be possible only in the movies. You inspired me, you were too good. But time fooled us. Summer came and our communication became weaker and weaker and so I asked if would you still fight for me or would you end it, but you chose to end it without thinking twice. I was disappointed and broken. I feel the deep despondency in me. But life must go on. Why would I chase someone who doesn't even want to be chased? Why would we end something that hasn't even begun? With you, I have learned that communication is really important. But loyalty and love even without communication is more important.
You are the most sincere.
Fourth.
The third time I held the shards of my heart was when I was walking astray. I said to myself not to love again. I was blinded by the dark ashes of hatred.
I saw you and I thought I could play you before you could play me. I never did really have feelings for you, or so I thought. I don't know why I felt that way. I was angry at myself because I knew that you are going to leave me broken just like what others did. But I could not help it. This feeling is greater than the pasts. I could finally own you. You are my first love. My first true love. Our relationship had an arduous journey. You are my best friend, soulmate, and lover, and I could not ask for more. We loved eachother even if our family is against us, even if the universe is against us. I was being embarassed by your mom by a widespread speculation about how slut I am. Yet I remain silent. She doesn't know how you've hurt me mentally and physically. She doesn't know how I've helped you in your studies, how I've stayed up late at night just to make your projects and answered more than a half of every exam. I thought you were the one. I've given everything to you but guess it wasn't enough. After few weeks of our one-year relationship break up, I found you in someone else's hands. It hurts me so much that I have cried straight every night and trying to stop myself because I was afraid that my mom would find out. Do you know how hard it is to stop yourself from crying? To not make any noise when all you want to do is just scream. Life must go on. With you, I have learned to know when to stop. I have learned to not give all your heart to someone, save a part from yourself.
You are my first true love.
Fifth.
For the fourth time I have held my heart , it was more broken than ever. You could not tell of it's still a heart. I was so down that time.
Then I met you online. The first time I saw you, I thought that you are impossible to be mine. Because we live in different country with different cultures. We are far from each other. But it was possible. You made my heart flutter. The way you call me your girl, the way you cared for me is the glue that i've been waiting for the shards of my heart. You were my second. But the time is not with us. You had been in a serious situation with your family and I don't want to be another burden for you. With you , I have learned that love knows no distance.
You are the sweetest.
And for the sixth.
You are not my past nor my present, because you are my future. The first time I laid my eyes on you I felt something strange. But I ignored it because I was with my third lover at that time. Since then I've been secretly liking you. Now, that grew bigger, I love you. I don't know how or when. I just know that whenever I see you, I can't breathe properly. Whenever we look in each other's eyes, my eyes can't look straight. Whenever you speak, I can't think properly for the response. And whenever we're together, all I could see is us. I'm just in the corner, secretly loving you. And if you read this, this is what I got to say.
How are the fishes that I gave to you? Have you got any idea who gave you those anonymous riddles or letter?
"I love you with a love that is more than a love" I can't say this to you in person because I'm afraid. You can call me a coward but whenever I speak to you I ran out of words. I may just be your friend, but I hope to be more. I wish to be more than just a friend. Can a love burn any stronger? You are always in my head and I can't stop thinking about you. Tell me that you love me too and i'll love you more than I loved them. Because I have learned how to love and how to survive. I have learned what to do when I fall from the edge. And I am ready to get hurt. Because with you, I will know no pain.
Im just a girl, wanting to give you a trip to mars and make the world ours.