When I Look At The Mirror

When I look at the mirror, I see not my self

As soon as I wake up, I feel like I'm dreaming. Trapped in the nightmare of this bitter reality. My body is infected by my mind. I could not seem to move nor to try. I hear the clock ticking, I count my fingers as my teardrops fell just so I can stop them from falling. I do not understand the purpose of my life, nor did I expect it to be like this. I thought I figured it all out, but when I was already facing the waterfall, I jumped and mysteriously forgot how to swim.

When I look at the mirror, I see not my self

I get up, get out of bed. I open my laptop and try to clear my head. I put my make-up on while talking to myself, trying to force a smile even though my mind is screaming “I need help”. Hide it, don’t let anyone know. Don’t let anyone see how broken and weak you are. Act strong, focus, and be serious. And oh, don’t forget to cover up your scar.

When I look at the mirror, I see not myself

I see a little kid hiding in a shell, bathing in the witches’ hot cauldron. Building her own fortress made from the silenced screams; lips stitched, clothes off. You can trace the scars on her body as it leads to the little dollhouse where secrets are kept closed, strong spells kept it froze. When the witches come back: act happy, act nice, act grateful.

When I look at the mirror, I see not myself

I see a reflection of other people; their influence and voices are clipping these wings. I am very full and yet deprived of love from home, that I end up searching for it in different strangers’ beds through my phone. I always live for others, my life is never mine. Is this all that I am? Is this who I am? Cos every time I look at the mirror, I never see my self.