Love That Still Haunts

Today was one of those days. She recalled her dream vividly and guess what? He was there in it! Any reminder of him was a trip down that thorn filled memory lane;  withered roses, silent tears & unanswered prayers.

Not very long ago (her thoughts drowning in the engine hum.) having fun together, spontaneous visits & late night outings were all a routine and even then she couldn't speak her heart out, she was friendzoned.

With his straight jet black hair, goofy smile and adorable accent; this handsome guy is entitled to a beautiful girl, isn't that the norm? She wasn't one of those eye-catching display of feminine beauty but she had so many layers to her: she was a person whom you could never get tired of exploring, a girl with a finger in almost every pie but a girl you could rely on. But she chose to remain silent, silent with a dagger pointing inside and a blunt smile outside. Every thought of him pierced her, "why did I even meet him ?" she thought. And every time she heard his voice, his name, anything; she died a little inside. He was the only thing that could make her go weak in the knees...

She loved him for so long. He doesn't know that right, does he? She wanted him to love her first and profess his love for her or else she knew the relationship wouldn't hold up, at least that's what online advice, love gurus & magazines claimed.

Slowly and silently she cut her cords from him...he was too busy to notice! He pops up on FB sometimes, and with much effort, she tries to not like anything he posts. She can't make it obvious, can she? 

For some time she tried chatting up which always ended up as one-sided conversations. She had to keep the conversation interesting to get him to bother but with very little response, it was futile and she gave up.

All that she felt now was resentment, the time she wasted on him, thinking about him. Building up hate, her only solace, that was all she could do.

I HATE HIM FOR BEING SO NAIVE!

 I HATE HIM FOR FLIRTING WITH MY FRIEND!

I HATE HIM FOR IGNORING ME!

And on and on she made her list.

But like today, he would occasionally invade her dreams, looking intensely into her eyes.  His black hair tousled, dancing wildly to the melody of the coveted violin on his shoulder, which he handled like an extension of his body. And with every stride of his violin bow, she would melt even more. It was just a dream but it made her crazy, she convinced herself that she hated him, but her treacherous dreams would prove her wrong.

The car halted and she got out in front of a big house as a small kid ran towards her yelling,"Mommy did you get me the cricket bat & ball"?

"I did Shane, I did. Now go and get ready, you have a violin class in 15 minutes"! she replied. As he ran snatching away his bat & ball he yelled back, "I HATE VIOLIN, MY SHOULDERS HURT LIKE HELL"!!! And with an apologetic smile, she thought, "Big mistake, what was I thinking when I named him Shane"? 

And even now she bears the wound that still hurts, with love that still haunts that found home in her little boy!

That deep pounding wound, her 1st love, was Shane. Shane Robert Alphonse.