Again?!
Yes I have to admit, my mirror hates me! Again!
One day I woke up, enjoying my victory over my mirror, looking at it with pride, and all I saw was an ugly scar!!
What!! Why!! When did this happen! No not again!!
It was a big fight against you the first time! Why are you only showing me scars!! Haven't we agreed that it's okay to have faults, why do you hate me again, what did I do now?!
Arrogantly reminding me that this ugly face only deserves the cold of loneliness.
I grew up in a family of two, two women with nothing else to do other than whining over how mistreated we are. Lots of 'if onlys' that would have made our lives better. My poor mom was a beautiful woman, who knew well how to act femininely. She know how to walk, how to talk, how to dress and how to impress. Yet she was divorced twice, which rocked her self confidence, and rocked my world with it. Unlike her I wasn't so interested in being feminine, I was mainly interested in making her happy, which seemed two contradicting intrests. Unlike her I walked with my arms open, throwing each leg in a different direction, my hair was always messed up, I had -and still have- a loud voice with no where near feminine laugh. I developed almost no interest in fashion, i would usually prefer sneakers and jeans, our fights over what to wear only ended when i had only one choice of cloths, which was school uniform. Boys were almost never interested in me, she told me i scare them off, and up till this moment i don't have a clue why! In family parties and gatherings my mom would be considered a professional dancer compared to her sisters and my cousins. When it was my turn to dance I would look like a piece of wood that might break with turns and twists -or at least that's how they told me I looked like-.
She had the perfect body and the best body ratios admired by everyone, comparatively I had the body posture of a gangster.
Long story short, my mother was perfect and despite having a pretty face I was ugly! Not for how I looked but for who I was..
She said she loved me but I was convinced it was out of a mother's sense of duty to love her children.
I didn't do well academically untill my senior years, and compared to my older cousin -although I was told i was smarter- I wasn't as hard working as she is. The worst was that I was like my father -the man who broke her heart- in so many ways that it would always get on her nerves..
My mom never told me i was ugly, and always told me she loved me, however there has always been a "but", something that I should do better, something I should become in order to be good enough,something that would make my mirror always point me as the ugliest of them all!
Expressing how I felt only made things worse, i was labeled sensetive and negative, they even had a nickname for it that when mentioned everyone would burst into laughter..
At my late teenage years without a word my mom passed away, only communicating to me through strangers that her state of deep depression was because I held onto a relationship which made her feel useless to this world anymore.
Above that i was left with the impression that men are one eyed beasts who should be well tamed, for us -women- to live a free, happy life, without them biting our heads off and suppressing our beauty and freedom. Well i could say my mother was pretty traumatized by men and she did well passing on her experience to me.
Preparing myself to the second real-life trauma -after my mom's death- I put on my lovely wedding dress and move forward with the wedding day. Although everyone seemed so happy that day, I felt that I was being driven to hell, every single cell in my body commanded me to flee, and I could barely hide my tears, but where to..?
I have to admit I am no where near proud of my mindset at the time,and I believe I got what I deserved as a punishment for it, marriage itself, it was a hell of a struggle, two years later now and I still get nightmares that I am stuck in the wrong marriage with the wrong guy! My days too a very dark turn during which I barely managed to block suicidal thoughts, but in some magical way I managed to get out of it. I ended the marriage know how much a failure I am, having more regrets than ever. And knowing about myself negatives that were far beyond just how I walked or talked!
I realized I was no woman, not even a human. I also realize I was too traumatized to function as a being in the world, I realized I have so much catching up to do and so much self development to start. I woke up from the victim role and starting getting control over my life.
I had so much to learn in order to be able to look my mirror in the eye, so I adopted self compassion and convinced myself it is never too late to start. I managed to convince myself that I am smart enough to catch up with enhancing whatever I am not comfortable with myself in. And most importantly that I don't need anyone's approval or acceptance to love myself and look me in the eye. I had a total change of mindset and reflecting on my sins and faults I managed to grow. I also managed to reason with my mirror.
I convinced her that I am not ugly and adopted sarcasm as a way of getting over my body posture and the tone of my voice.
Growing my damaged self confidence was my goal, and slowly I managed to build a good career, have good constructive friendships and even found an outfit style that is both fashionable and comfortable for me. I learned how to use my strengths and built with them a good happy comfortable life, a single life.
I thought about love.. How much still do I need to learn? And love Am I worth it yet? Why would anyone love me? Even why would my dear friend love me? What's there to love?!
I looked at my mirror and found it screaming again. You don't know how to take care of someone! And even if you do, how long will you keep doing it! You are so selfish to give love! And so unworthy to take it! Well you may have fixed your single life, but taking care of man is something you never learnt! Do you even know how to respect a man! Or obey! Or be loyal! Don't you remember anything you learnt! Men are pigs that will only hurt you! They will betray you! And a good man needs a good woman! A feminine one! Did anyone ever really love you? No! And you know the reason! There is nothing for a man to love there! Maybe you are a good person! But you are as a failure as your mom! Who would want a girl who has no confidence with her body!
Down a negative hill my mirror screamed. It screamed at me questioning my every ability! And every progress and success. Demanding that I would shut my doors and stay alone for everyone's sake! Avoiding to hurt or prove myself another failure.
Again my mirror left me struggling! Knowing how I failed in my previous life, I am left struggling with wanting another one, not knowing if I have what it takes to be a woman! A good enough woman! Not knowing if I am worthy of a good man's love, or even a good friend's kindness..
Well my dear mirror, you can enjoy your victory today yes, but tomorrow is a new battle! And if you know me any better you would know that one thing I know for sure about myself, which is that I never give up! Never loose hope! And as i managed to reason with you once, we will find common ground again! And I will make you love me and admire me again! I will be showered with the warmth of true love, and with it will come acceptance and approval! One thing I never failed at! Never giving up!
So mirror mirror on the wall, loosing one battle won't make me fall!