"Snow-white was the fairest and you are the worst." My mirror was pretty homest and forward in it's replies.
As a young child I had a problem with mirrors, as I grew the problem grew with me.
I only learned about self compassion in my early 20's. "Talk to yourself the same way you would talk to a close friend" the presenter said.
Ever since that moment I started interrogating my mirror. "Why?!"
"Can't you see how you look and act. The way you talk and walk. The things you feel or want to feel. How can someone accept a peace of @******/@ like you" my mirror is really really harsh. Or..is it me who is being harsh?!
Diving into the reasons it was mainly my mother (yeah!mother issues is a global problem). I wasn't as open minded or as cheerful as she used to be when she was my age. Also I reminded her of my father's traits, which she couldn't tolerate for more than a few years before she asked for a divorce. (Yeah divorce issues are a global problems as well!!)
As a young girl wanting to love her father I felt I was betraying my mother's dignity for just thinking about it, adding to that my traits which were similar to his, my mother struggled between loving me and hating my resemblance to my father...you can imagine the rest. :)
She was a very very kind soft hearted woman. she loved me. But she loved a very few things "about" me.
Sadly she failed to make me into the person she wanted and also failed to help me accept who I am.
Long story short, I grew up hating myself and constantly fighting with my mirror.
Another long story short, she died without letting me know if she accepts me.
I took me 6-7 messy years with lots of downs and downs (very few ups) to set myself free of self-judgements, and family judgements too.
I learned about self compassion and decided to accept myself as my father's daughter, to belong to him, which was pretty hard after so many years.I got to know him and through that I got to know myself. Although I struggled to accept both of us but I think I managed to reach a pretty good acceptance state.
I listened to my mind and realised that:
- I used to pray to die or disappear, i started to pray to be a better person and handle situations better in the future.
- I used to blame my self for any harm I did or did not cause, I started going easier focusing on how to make things better regardless who made them bad in the first place.
- I used to do all kinds of self-tourture techniques I could think of..including hurting myself :/
Insisting on seeing the good in me through the eyes of good friends, I stopped punching myself and started teaching it..'like I would do with a close friend'.
The most important thing is I stopped feeling sorry for myself, I starting doing what would make me proud of it.
Just surviving in harsh circumstances wasn't enough to make me or anyone else proud. And as I learned I listened carefully and was very very conscious about my replies to my mirror, taming her to be kind while replying back.
After months and months of forcing a kind caring mirror, it was finally convinced to change her mind.
"Mirror mirror on the wall,who's the worst of them all." I asked.
It smiled back saying "you are not the worst anymore but never let your ego think you are the best"