the money! And the time!

I was in a pretty dark place the past few weeks, specifically with regard to adoption. Maybe dark is the wrong word. I was in a dimly lit place. And there was pointy furniture everywhere that I kept ramming my shins into. Maybe there are scary noises involved. My point: I was overwhelmed and not the most positive person. We had met with two agencies (one domestic, one international) and were no closer to deciding how to go about procuring a baby than when we first began.

And the money! And the time! I felt so outnumbered by the variety of factors that stood in our way. Should we sign with an agency? Should we adopt from Korea? Should we just wait a little longer to see if Jason’s sperm comes back? Is that a viable option or am I just in denial? Pregnancy had to be better than what we were going through. I could barely talk about adoption without dissolving into a puddle of tears.

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Then I met Alyson. Our meeting was spontaneous and random, and we crammed more adoption talk into five minutes than I’ve ever talked about with my friends. She got what I was going through–all the frustration and negative feelings and high hopes–and it was a relief to not have to explain everything. It felt kind of affirming like I was supposed to meet this woman for whatever reason.

I still get asked how adoption is going, and the answer is that there is no answer. We’re still in a holding pattern: waiting to choose an agency, saving money in the meantime. In the same breath, we’re enjoying our child-free lives. I will never take these days for granted. As much as I want to have children, I know that we’re not meant to have them right now. And that’s becoming more and more okay every day.

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