My Body Is Obsessed With Rock Music

A breakdown in a rock or metal song is that part of the song where the instruments all come together and solos are performed and the music rises and rises to a height from where the song explodes and the impact of the song is truly felt.

Never thought you'd see 'music' as problems, 'song' as guttural screaming, and 'impact' bringing with it an image of a body lying sprawled on the ground, did you?

Breakdowns aren't a symptom of depression - they can happen to anyone, at any time, and are, least to say, unpleasant to the core.

You feel unable to carry on. The burden of failures, or maybe too many triumphs, of maintaining friendships or dealing with heartbreaks or of trying to be your own self in a world which is set out to prevent you from doing so, is a burden so heavy, that the human body gives up, eventually.

You've broken down before. And, you have had your optimistic nature being thrown out of the window of a moving train to a pack of wild wolves outside who bungee-jump while tossing it around in the air. Insecurity is a sister-friend, who visits during these moments, and makes herself comfortable until the strength to drive her out can be found again.

You don't do 'anything stupid', but you think about it.

You think whether it will be easy, or will the pain last too long. You think what will it be like if you actually went ahead with it, what will happen to the family and the friends who look at you and feel happy and never have any idea that these things are what you are thinking of while they pour you a glass of milk or laugh at the joke you just cracked.

There's an empty space where the air enters your lungs and leaves. The act of breathing feels hard, forced even. Tears hang over your eyes, but never deign to fall, never deign to let you have that relief, even for a moment. 

You feel selfish. You feel insecure. You feel weak.

And you end up pulling yourself out of it. A few days of putting up a happy facade, an optimistic outlook towards life that seems more forced than an attempt to find something educational in funny Facebook videos, helps to get you out of it. You start believing the lie you project to the world. That you are happy, and you ARE happy, really.

Just waiting for this song to end, and the next to start, until it reaches the breakdown.