MY HEAD,HIS SHOULDER

I never understood where my expectations always went wrong. It was Valentine Day. I waited for him to at least call and wish me.I do not feel I was demanding much like other girlfriends did. I wanted him to call me. Just once, so I could also feel special, so I could also feel I am important to him,Arpan-my first and only love. Our love was unexpected. I never thought I will also fall in love with someone, someday.

Today, we completed 4 years together. Every moment spent with him is still fresh in my mind. It has been a long journey with lots of ups and downs. I read on social media many times about the fading of love with the passage of time. I never believed it. Arpan and I were made for each other. Our love was beyond these logics. Our love was different. It was unique and above all, it was unconditional. Since the day I fell in love with him, I always knew that he was the one for me. He is the man of my dreams. He is the one who will hold my hand and walk with me in this journey called life. He will support my decisions; he will accept the crazy me; he will care for me; but most importantly, he will love me unconditionally as I loved him.

Lost in my thoughts about our 4 years journey together , I came back to my senses when my phone beeped. The notification read 5 new messages received.

“Happy Valentine day my love.”

“What are you doing now?”

“What’s the plan for today?”

“Something special”

“ :-* :-* “

Yes a Valentine wish! Not from the one who was supposed to do it. It was Shrey. I replied him with a same to you message.

Shrey- “He ditched you again na sweetheart? Why don’t you leave him? He takes you for granted. Always. You understand this still you accept everything. He is not the right person for you.”

Me- “I love him madly and you know that.”

Shrey- “I love you jaan :-* :-* .Mujhse toh milne aayegi na ? (You will meet me right?)“

Me- “Blush blush ! Oh yes I will. I won’t dare to miss that opportunity.”

I was smiling and the reason was not Arpan but someone who could stop the world to make me smile. I met Shrey in an hour. . It was our usual place where we had annoyed each other, fought with each other, pulled each other’s hair like animals, debated on worthless topics for hours but we always ended our meeting in the same way, like how I did it today, again. It was ‘my head on his shoulder’ and with my thoughts lingering on that ever wistful question of Arpan not being like him. Why can’t Arpan make me feel happy the way Shrey does? We sat quietly for some time. Shrey, lost in his world and me, looking at the sky while resting on his shoulder.

After spending the ‘happy’ Valentine day with Shrey I came back to hostel. As I entered my room my cell phone vibrated and the screen flashed Arpan’s picture. I picked up and to my surprise he was furious at me. He kept shouting at me for not doing some work. He yelled at me for like 10 mins and disconnected the call. I broke down to tears. He did not even remember the day. . The day on which we had symbolized our togetherness. It did not matter to him anymore. Instead of apologizing he made me cry for some stupid work stuff. I wept the whole night, thinking why is he like that? Why can’t he love me? When will I be his priority?

It wasn’t the first time I was looking for these answers. It always happened. We both lived the way he wanted, we both sought career opportunities which he felt would be perfect for our future. Yes, he was a nice man. He loved me but he did not know me. It was always about him. I had lost myself somewhere in the midst of his desires ,his needs, his dreams ,his happiness. I loved him, so I never said him I too have dreams and those are different from his. Love was daily showing me its bitter side but all I wanted was him to be the happiest. After all he was my perfect man. I was not supposed to make him sad. It was my responsibility to fulfill his demands without asking for one. I wished he thought the same way.

After 2 nights from Valentine I was still thinking the same. I was lost. The next day I left for work at 7 in the morning. It was early. I was about to reach my workplace when I heard somebody called my name. I turned back. It was Shrey, waving me with a smile on his face. He always has that smile. He came towards me and stared me for few seconds. He asked just one question, “When will you stop thinking about that jerk and sleep soundly?” I had no answer. He always knew what I had in mind. He held my hand and took me to one my favorite place. The place from where we could see the whole city but nobody could see us. He stood right in front of me, few inches apart. He was so close I could feel his breaths. He rested his arms around my shoulders and looked into my eyes.How deep it was! I was clueless of what was happening but I couldn’t resist looking at those honest eyes. They were trying to speak something to me, I could sense it but I was so broken from inside I failed to read it. He kept looking at me passionately and said,” Don’t worry sweetheart, I am right here na. Now everything will be alright. Trust me.” He pulled me closer and hugged me. His warmth felt like It was everything I needed, everything I was looking for. A tiny drop of tear left my eyes and I was surprisingly smiling. I was happy. I was completely alright. We both sat next to each other. He pulled my nose and I pulled his ears. We looked at each other and smiled, we talked, we laughed and then I had tears. He wiped them and whispered to me, “ Puja, you are the sunshine of my life. Don’t stop smiling else I will be in the dark.” I looked at him. He smiled. I smiled him back.. Lastly, it was again ‘my head’ and ‘his shoulder’ and the same thought. Why can’t Arpan be like him? Why can’t he make me feel happy the way Shrey does?

I looked at that infinite sky. I had no answers. I still don’t have . All I know is that my belief of Puja and Arpan being made for each other will fade out one day but I have one desire. I wish I could look into Shrey’s eyes again. Just for once. I wish I could read those eyes. I wish.