My Twisted End

"Where are you lost?"

"Just thinking"

"About what?"

"About tomorrow."

"What about tomorrow?"

"I am thinking about how brave tomorrow is."

"What do you mean?"

"Like how it dares to exist, knowing that it can vary, or cannot exist again."

"Why do you always connect everything to existence?"

"Well existence is the sole reason I am here, here with you. And as death is far away, I have time to think how I will live everyday."

"You are scaring me. Everything is good, right?"

"Yeah, everything is fine."

One of the easiest thing you can help exist is a lie, it can be multilayered, diverse, colorful and even close to the truth sometimes.

I was not alright. Nothing was fine.

She was sitting there looking so beautiful in the moonlight. I was drowning in her like moonlight in the ocean. But for some reason she was not enough.

Not enough to quench my thirst.

Why was I there?

How far had I traveled?

I didn't know.

One day at the beach , I tried to drown myself, to kill myself.

As I was consciously embracing death, she happened.

She came into existence there at that moment of time.

She swam away from the sun, glowing she ran into the darkness to save me. She became my goddess. She gave me life.

But something has happened to us. No, not us. Me. I'm the reason she is unhappy, afraid and sad.

If she had let me die then,she may have found happiness. She deserves it more than anyone.

I caress her, then kiss her forehead.

I take my coat, pick my car keys. I am out of the front door.

I drive away to the road in the forest. I am not afraid.

Death is my sole quest tonight.My sole aim. I'll get rid of myself once for all.

I had planned my death few weeks ago, sitting in my front porch. As I was watching the sun setting into the horizon, I thought of this heaven forsaken place, where she will not find me. She will not find herself in the dilemma to save me.

She can be free.

Why do I want to die?

My steps are irregular, I am tired. I have thought about this question too many times. No one can tell me the answer. I will have to write my own answer, my own end.

This question was the first thing she asked me when she took me out of the ocean to the beach. Where she breathed me back to life.

Back then I may have said," Because death is easy. Its the only thing that feels real and sometimes I think I know it very well. It has the warmth like that of a lover and it existence feels heavy like my soul. I know it will begin me again."

She laughed at the idea of my thoughts or more like the idea of transparent sadness I was wearing. She was beautiful like the sun that day.

She replaced death, though for sometime.