Waking up silently tearing is the most painful thing for me. It's raining outside and my dream just scares me. May be it's really my fault as to why I am so unhappy. May be it's because I'm really not that strong, I'm just pretending.
I've been running away from the truth since I was eleven. I've been fooling myself since my mom left me when I was in grade school. I've been telling myself that I can live on my own but in fact, just like others I am also scared to be alone.
I've been convincing myself that I am a coldblooded bitch. I am trying to push people away before they can see me naked with my insecurities and fears. I've been talking out loud to people hoping that I can defy the deadly silence inside me. I've been fooling myself.
Somebody told me that I really need to let go of my past. He made his point so crystal clear that I cannot stop my tears from crying. I understand that the mere reason of my unhappiness is me. Aside from I am really stupid because I easily believe these humans around me, I normally doubt the intentions of those who remain true to me.
I no longer have the sense of judgement. I no longer have the ability to distinguish which is right and which is wrong. I feel bad about it and I guess I just have to deal with it. I have to open my package and just remove some unwanted things. I need to unload some grudges. I need to refresh my soul. I need to forgive myself for being too much and I need to start living my life again.
I've been aiming for happiness since I was a kid and I think happiness needs to come from me. I need to think positively and I really need to be more open to change. I need to understand that nothing is really permanent in this world aside from change and so I just have to embrace it.