on creation

I have always loved creating. It made me feel powerful and in control. What God must've felt when he created the earth, I also felt when I transformed a blank piece of paper into something else. 

I think that creators - people who make something out of nothing - have something divine within them. The divine thing being the skill to harness what raw materials the omnipotent have given them, honing the dexterity and the deftness that their body had the potential for. And regardless of the Whys and Hows and For Whats, the personal goals and desires, the elusive motivation that kept them going when it came, I think that becoming a god in your own little world transcends whatever meaning people give it to.

For me, I found comfort between letters, words, and lines. In paragraphs I dedicated to someone else yet which somehow still feels strangely me. I found comfort in the inkblots I made in blank paper, and the paint I splattered in empty canvases. And while the face that greets you when you first look at them is not mine, the piece is still personal to me that it might as well be myself. 

Oscar Wilde expressed through his character Basil Hallward in The Picture of Dorian Gray, "...every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. The sitter is merely the accident, the occasion. It is not he who is revealed by the painter; it is rather the painter who, on the colored canvas, reveals himself."

All my pieces have been written and drawn when I am emotional- when words and the empty canvas were all I could cling to and find comfort in. I drew to feel something afterwards or to let out all the emotions I have as I go. The times I bawled in front of my computer in the middle of a piece have been too many to count. Still, I say that it is comforting. After the tears have gone and my chest have poured out its contents, I can move on. In love and in hopes of something better. 

Like Basil, sometimes I do not want to share my work as I feel that they are a part of myself, and baring them to the world is frightening. However, I do enjoy the reassurance and the reception. The feelings of validation that come with it. This made me realize that I am too dependent on it sometimes and that too can be dangerous. For what do I create then, when it should only be for myself? Still, I think, even gods make miracles to be worshipped.