I was born and raised in a timeline wherein respect is the most common thing. I was raised by my parents to be an honest person and I was cultivated to be true to myself in all times.
As I grew older, as life engaged me to change, I realized that those things that I learned inside our simple home was way too different outside. I learned to lie just to justify their cravings. I say to replace my yes with a no just to get the validation I seek. I learned to let go of my moral to fit in and I learned to walk fast to catch up with changing world.
It was hard for me at first but I guess it is indeed true that there is always room for improvement. I decided to create my own mask. It's fabulous and shiny. It's amazing that you can never see through inside me.
They say that our eyes are our window to our soul. It could be true but sadly , if you watch me close , you'll see that my eyes are hollow. Could it be possible that my soul is hollow too? It saddens me more each day to watch my old self fade like a shooting star. I no longer feel the fire inside me. Fire of hope and determination. What I can certainly feel is the urge to stop. To stop from being too much of this. Too much of that.
Life taught me to be strong. But being strong means taking too much obligation. And obligation is consuming me. I wish it's just a label. Unfortunately, it's not.The more I gain age, the more it gets heavier. And it's draining me. It's making me feel sick each day. I wish I could turn back the time.
I wish there is replay button in my life. Or may be a pause sometimes. Or may be an option to delete some lapses. Or if it is even possible I can just press that stop button.
I feel sad that this is happening. I wish I can tell my dad that I am growing. I wish I could spend my night with him again. If I could go back, I am very much willing to jump back to the time wherein I was just alone inside my room. I guess it's a lot better to be there and dream the world outside than to actually feel the pressure of being alive out there.
I want to escape this maze. I want to hide myself in the dark. I want to keep myself away from problems and fears. I want to be free myself out of this game. Can I just call this time over ?
Being dead is not an option. Being alive though is a poison. I have nowhere to go. All my pages are torn and I am living in this hole with the same agony I felt the moment I set my foot out of our dazzling garden.
I guess I am a lost soul. I guess I am sailing again. I wish this will end soon. Because I cannot tell for sure if tomorrow I can still move on.....