Perfectly Ironic

Love, tonight my heart is so tired. I think it was robbed of its soul. And my mind is exhausted watching too, waiting for your messages, waiting for you. And as I watched you play the world with some one else, as if nothing is bothering you, my heart sank.

And tonight I don't know if you'd still come back whole to me. I don't know if we are going to be the same again. Me being so afraid and paranoid. You being so angry and cold. Aren't we perfectly ironic?

And tonight, all the world's pain is on my shoulders. Just when I needed some stars to light the way, you chose silence and pushed me away. 

And maybe tonight, I want to rest, indefinitely. I want to lay my eyes low and never open them again. The world has stolen all my strength. Everything is just so wrong. Every little thing falls out of its place. And all of these things are my responsibilities, I have no idea how to fix every one of them.

And tonight love, the only light which stood at my ground is blinking. And I no longer see the way. Maybe tonight is the best night to rest. 

But you were gone. Because of my mistakes. No matter how much I tried to apologize, it serves no purpose. When you were stiff as a wall, hard as stone, cutting words like knife, I stood still waiting. Feeling sorry for us, hating myself more than you could ever think.

And while I wait love, I wish for an entire rest, so that I can keep quiet forever and maybe you'd be happy about it too. Because I can't, it is so hard to resist not to annoy you. 

And if tomorrow comes and I am no longer around, let me tell you these words. And if tomorrow comes and you've decided to end the coldness, I belived in love. I believed in the glory of love. How forgiving can it be. How sacrificial can it get. How faithful it is. And so I will wait again, and again.

I was wrong, and I hated me more than you did, more than you could ever imagine. I held us close to my heart. And I am willing, God knows how much I am willing to beg for your forgiveness, despite the gravity of my crime, even if I think that it was just a petty mistake.

But I felt pathetic. I felt sorry for myself. How did I become this low? How willing, how unbecoming have I become for you. You were right, I was a strong woman before. I can go home whenever I want. No one decides for me. But I lost it. I lost myself completely. I starved for your love, I craved your attention. And you were everything that I see, the only thing that I see. And I know within me that I lost myself to you. 

And I am well ashamed of how I begged for you to love me. How I lowered myself just so I can keep you. The fear that strangles me whenever an argument sparks between us. I was always afraid. And you've never considered that.

I loved you so much. But sometimes, we love with a love that is more than love, and we lose our soul and dignity along hand. We bow and follow them whenever we are pushed away. We are severely punished for the little crimes we make. And the worst side is that we accept it, whole heartedly we accept everything even if we do not deserve such treatmeant. How can love be so cruel love? How can it be so ruthless? How can it bear rejection? How can it swallow space?

Love, your silence was my answer. Your anger was response. I know that I can no longer bring myself back. Because I'd give in to you again the moment you'd smile. And just like that, I am lost at world again. Because you were the only thing that I look forward to in the future, and that we'd happy together.

But I am lost of words for you tonight. I always wonder how much more can you ignore me. I wonder too how much more can I take. And in the future, will it be longer than a day, or two, weeks and months? I have no answers too.

I want to be strong. But my heart is so tired. I want to rise as a woman again but again my heart is so tired. I just want to sleep for more than just the dimension of time. While I still hold more good memories than cold ones, i want to completely rest. And if tomorrow I won't make it, love, i'd still chose to love just now. Because i'd foolishly follow my heart for you and I will continue to wait for you forgiveness. Even if its eating my pride. Even if it tears my soul. For you.  I did it, all for you. But I am tired. I want to rest in a deathlike sleep, so that pain will no longer punish me. To get away with everything that is going on in my life. I am so tired. And my being tired is so tired too. I am so tired of being wrong. I am so tired of not doing everything right. I am so tired for not finding the right solution to everything. 

And if I won't make it tomorrow, I love you. I have always mean it.