I’m trying to revive the colors of the rain
So I blend and brush it away with paint
Every beat of my heart I devotedly heed
Few genuinely feast their eyes on it
But never see the beauty of blood from my wrist
So I play dead
I’m trying to reveal my pity and cry
So I pick words from late nights to write
It’s not that attention is all I seek
But few appreciated it, sincerely
But haven’t realized, Help is all I shriek
So I play dead
I’m trying to fill every chapter of my life
Some pages have plain smiles undefined
With quotes of thought from staring walls
Some cheered me with relieving lines
But I just can’t ignore the sacred spirit of lies
So I play dead
I’m barely trying to take a breath
As days go on taking my sinking sighs
My thoughts have been conquering my soul
A battle against my darkness’s roar
Without a reason to live, I'm confused if I’m still alive
Or maybe, I've already died
*******************
Inserted Nov. 9, 2020
For my son,
I'm sorry if I won't be with you as you grow up. I won't be there to guide your hand on how to properly hold a pencil. I won't be there to walk with you on your first day of school. As you grow up there will be the time that you'll envy other kids who demand their Mom to buy them what they want, how their Mom brushes their hair, and how their Mom dearly wipe their sweat on their back. I know you'll wish you have a Mother who stands beside you against those bullies, a Mother who'll ask you to kiss her cheeks before she'll give you some treats. I won't be there to cheer you about your first crush and I won't be there to hear your first heartbreak. Time will come that you'll stand against your Father and Grandparent's will and I won't be there to comfort you. Whatever your dreams may be, learn how to pave it on your own to reach that dream, don't just depend that someone's always behind you. My precious one, you're too young to understand but I hope one day you're strong enough to bear it in mind. I feel sorry for you for having a selfish Mother like me but please know that I love you so much. I beg you just one thing, don't do what I've done. I may be gone but my soul forever lives with you. I love you.