In Progress...

Kyrah lay entangled in the sheets, her hair falling softly across her face. Her curls were all over the pillow but that didn’t bother the man sleeping next to her. She was far away, in a land of solved troubles. Her curls smelled of fruit with hints of stale smoke. Her hair always caught the smell of smoke. He snuggled in anyway. There was something comforting in the smell of her hair, in her touch. Kyrah lay wrapped in herself. One could sense the independence even as she lay peacefully in someone’s arms. But still, in that moment between sleep and wake, there was nowhere else Hriday would want to be. Here was good. Here was safe.

The sun was almost up and the crows could be heard at a distance. Somewhere a car was being washed, a dog was being walked and the paper was being slammed against the front door. He would have to leave soon, but Hriday felt too comfortable to move. Kyrah shuffled in her space, still dreaming. She would be up soon, and then the tranquility on her face would disappear. She was a busy woman. A busy, independent and discreetly stubborn woman. She knew what she wanted and she ensured she went after it. But somewhere in the mayhem of her ambition there was an unexplored corner of emotion. Kyrah never liked to settle, not even for love. Kyrah believed that she would never settle for someone because she would never have to. She would find that someone. She wanted to love on her own terms. Hriday always teased her about it. Its not like the man didn’t believe in love. He did, just like everybody else. He was just more pragmatic about it. “We all settle ultimately – some of us are fortunate to find the best available option, while the rest just settle for whatever is handed to them. No questions asked.”

Over the past two years, Kyrah and Hriday had formed an odd bond. Odd because they seemed to get along even though they were like chalk and cheese. There was no room for doubt when it came to their love. Kyrah often felt that maybe she had found her ‘someone’. What excited her is that she had done it so effortlessly. For the first time, Kyrah didn’t mind compromising on ambition for emotion. She had just rejected an offer that would take her to San Francisco. She liked Mumbai and even though the thought of moving to somewhere new excited her immensely, she just couldn’t leave the man sleeping next to her.

But over the past few weeks, things had been volatile. It seemed like the shadow of Kyrah’s success loomed over their relationship. What pinched Hriday was the fact that she had rejected it for him. He couldn’t understand how Kyrah could give up so much just to be with him. He loved her, but did he love her as much? “What would you have done if you were in my place?” she would scream across the room. Hriday would look at her and then close the door behind him. Was he jealous? Did he sense inequality? He would never admit it. 

Kyrah on the other hand couldn’t fathom how someone could be so unappreciative. She didn’t want him to feel like he owed her anything. And yet, that is how he reacted. She wanted to be with him. She wanted to be happy with him. Between the unintentional condescension and the subconscious begging for forgiveness, love was lost.

It was a still morning. The clouds were gathering. The weight of Kyrah’s achievement weighed them down more than ever. They sat across the table. The food played a perfect divide. “More coffee?” The waiter interrupted their silent conversation. “No thanks” Hriday mumbled. Kyrah could feel something drifting into the distance. She looked outside on to the street. It was getting busy. Cars and people moved haphazardly, carefully keeping out of each other’s way. Everyone was in everyone’s space, but gave each other enough room. Kyrah observed them lazily, then turned to look at the man who was hating her for loving him.

Stubbing her cigarette on the pavement, Kyrah snuggled her hands into her jacket as she walked back inside. It was a cold winter afternoon. The sun was beginning to set. She often thought of that morning, and the conversation that followed after. “Why are you doing this?” She sat with her hands in his. She felt burdened by the guilt and it angered her. For a woman who wanted to love on her own terms, she suddenly felt like she was compromising too much. “I gave up that offer because I wanted to be with you. Its one opportunity missed, there’ll be loads more.” She tried convincing him through her tears. Kyrah couldn’t understand if she was hurt or angry. “I don’t want to be burdened by this. You always said you would never sacrifice anything, so why now?” He wanted to be with her, but he couldn’t settle for the situation they were in. What else was he to say? How could he tell the woman he loved that he was ashamed of not being at par with her? It suddenly felt like the tables had turned; only they weren’t on the same page anymore. “I can’t do this. I can’t be like this. I can’t be chasing someone I would rather stand still with.” And with that, Kyrah’s core took over.

As she put the kettle to heat, Kyrah wondered how Hriday would be now. She had come a long way since that afternoon. From Chicago to New York. She had done exactly what she wanted, only now she was beginning to understand that it came at a price. She could have stayed back and spent her time convincing Hriday, or she could have gotten out and achieve everything else on her list. Three years and two cities later, Kyrah was nestled far away in New York City, with a good job and an even better man. She loved Niel, but she still couldn’t tell if she was in love with him. It had been a year since they were married, and the man had moved cities for her. Since Hriday, Kyrah had known better than to try and sacrifice.

The door clicked open as Niel shuffled in with takeaway food. Perched on the 30th floor, Kyrah watched the dark cold blanket itself on the Hudson River. As they ate through animated conversation, Niel suddenly cut her. “Babe, do you want to go to Mumbai this December? Its been a while since I saw my parents and you haven’t been home since Chicago.” Kyrah felt a rush of excitement move through her, and then a sense of nervousness. She managed to bottle it in. They rarely spoke about Hriday, and Niel never thought it mattered.

As the month went by and the days got colder, Kyrah started thinking of Hriday more often. They had been in touch intermittently, but there was too much history for them to be okay. She understood that and let it be. She knew he was married. Still, a tiny part of her hoped to see him when she flew down.

It was a pleasant December evening; Hriday got home from work much after he usually would. He was still getting used to coming home to an empty house. Since Tahira’s death, Hriday didn’t like being home much. It was too quiet. Even though life had gone back to the same routine, the little changes were making a big difference. Often, he gazed out at the city over a drink, recapping his marriage. After Kyrah, Hriday never thought he would find anyone who he could imagine sharing his world with, till Tahira walked in. She was soft spoken, warm and affectionate. But he often missed the spark he saw in Kyrah. That ambition and the drive that attracted him to Kyrah was absent in Tahira. Often, Hriday caught himself thinking of Kyrah as he fell asleep. She was a chapter in his life he remembered fondly, but one he felt was incomplete. He was certain he would never see her again ; just almost. 

Kyrah and Niel sat silently in the cab home. The flight and delays had exhausted them. Still, through those tired eyes, Kyrah could see how much Mumbai had changed. It felt good to be back. There was a nip in the air. December was a lovely time to be home. Suddenly, Kyrah felt happiness and comfort. Hriday, the afternoon and the café all seemed like a distant dream.

Over the next few days, Kyrah spent her time reconnecting. Between Niel, her parents and in-laws, she felt warm and safe. Still, something faintly tugged her insides. Kyrah silently hoped the pinching would stop. She loved Niel, she had a great life and yet, she felt like she needed something else.

Kyrah walked out on to the terrace of the gallery. She was lighting up when she noticed the man standing at a distance. He had his back to her and was consumed in the conversation he was having over the phone. “Can you please get here? I have no idea what I’m doing in a fucking art gallery. I see blobs of colour on a canvas. How am I to pick anything?” Kyrah giggled until she paused to recognise the voice. Suddenly, a current ran through her.

Hriday turned around, he was still on the phone. As he absently gazed around the terrace, the woman with the curls caught his eye. He walked towards her. She stood still, her mind couldn’t think straight. She wanted to turn around and leave, but her feet failed her. They studied each other’s faces for that sense of familiarity. The years had changed them. But something in Hriday’s eyes had not. Kyrah waited for him to say something. After what seemed like forever, Hriday finally found the words. “How are you?”

Over cups of coffee and conversation, Kyrah and Hriday spoke about Chicago, New York and everything in between. “Im sorry to hear about Tahira.” “She was a good friend, I guess that’s what made her such a good wife.” Hriday had missed Tahira every day, but he hadn’t forgotten about Kyrah. He never could. Kyrah spoke very little of Niel. Somewhere, Hriday could sense her disappointment. She seemed to have it all, but they both knew she didn’t. He didn’t prod further. He didn’t want to remind her of what could have or should have. If only it would have.

Kyrah moved towards the railing to light up. Her curls glistened a little in the evening light. She leaned on the railing, watching the smoke disappear gradually. Hriday stood close. Their hands brushed, and as Kyrah looked out on the sun slipping behind the high rises, she felt at peace. It was good to be home.