REGRET.

how i wish you  were here...

tell you about my biggest fear...how guilty i am for not feeling your pain... and now that you´re gone... my heart is broken into pieces ... i miss you.

22-11-2014 , i was a cold Monday , cloudy weather , i woke up at 8 oclock , went out to school , the day was normal  , everything was fine until i came back home from school to find out that my grandmother is sick , i didn´t know why didn´t i care about her illness that much , i think she get a little bit sick but she´ll be fine after taking her medicines , but i was wrong , she was dying , she was feeling the pain of dying and i didnt care about her , because she used to get sick a lot of times but she gets fine the next day.

2 hours later i asked my mom

-aren´t you cooking lunch , i am so hungry

-how could i cook and i am so worried about your grandma i should call your dad and take  her to the hospital

-that´s not fair , she´s fine she always get sick , i have to eat i gotta go back to school in the afternoon.

well you can cook for your self, your grandma first

i got really angry and i went out  holding my school bag , i eat lunch out cause i was really upset that day , i remember closing the front door making a noise to express how unhappy was i.

i spend the whole 3 hours thinking about my grandma with such i struggle in my mind

is she really sick , was i so mean to her , did she know i didn´t feel anything about her sickness  .

i went back home at 6 oclock in the evening ,  i remember hearing someone crying i didnt expect it it was from our house , i  used to think i was just an auditory halluciation because of regret and feeling guilty , i open the door , i remembre the first thing i saw was my mom hugging me with tears in her eyes . and telling me with a sad voice

-we lost your grandma today, she was really sick , it was death pain , i hope she rest in peace , she was a great person , big lost for us.

it was a big shock for me , i didnt know why didnt i drop a tear , iwas felling so sad but i couldn´t cry , even one tear , the most painful kind of sadness is losing the ability of crying , cause when you cry you get trough your fears and they disappear with tears , but when you cannot cry is the most difficult thing to handle.

i learned a big lesson , i became a different person , i start looking and carrying about the people i love , my family , my freind , i changed from a none carrying girl to a new girl with a warm heart.

                                                                       dedicated to my dead grandma R.I.P.