I was small. No, scratch that. I was weak. That's what I always thought the world saw me. And because of that, I was most of the time invisible as well. Well, not exactly. Just easily forgettable.
I mean, I was meek. It wasn't that I didn't like talking with the other children. It was more about thinking they don't really like talking to me. That I'm not really interesting. That I'll just bother them in the end. That maybe they're just concerned I wouldn't be able to keep up with them. Like in playing around, running, jumping... because like I said I was weak.
I was very small, very thin, very shy. I was not cute. I was not adorable. I looked sickly. The first thought that would cross your mind upon seeing me is "Poor child, is she getting enough to eat? What are her parents doing? Is she sick? Is she okay?" But even though those words wouldn't be said out loud, I found their eyes to be enough. They were screaming of concern.
I've always known it wasn't the case of course. I was eating enough. I had enough. My parents were taking a good care of me. I was in the sense okay. But because of my appearance, it was unavoidable. I get that. But still, I didn't like those unwanted concerns. I didn't want them to pity me. I didn't want them to assume bad about my parents. I didn't want them to look down on me.
But what could I do anyway?
Well, I started looking down. At my feet. On the ground. Away from their eyes. And soon enough I couldn't handle eye-to-eye contact from strangers. To be honest, even with my family and friends, I was still a little queasy. It was just deafening, the words I could pick up from their eyes, from their expressions. I didn't want their concerns and so I didn't want them to see me anymore. And I thought by not looking at them, not talking to them, not getting in their way, they wouldn't be seeing me as well. It wouldn't change anything anyway. It wasn't like they really cared. It wasn't like I was really important to them. It wasn't like they were really important to me.
So I got used to it. I would only approach you if it was really necessary. I would only speak if spoken to. I would only look at you for a moment just to see if you are really talking to me. I minded my own business in the hopes that they would do the same. And they actually did. I no longer see much of their concerned looks. I no longer see pity from their faces. I no longer hear weak from their eyes.
And I hopefully I wouldn't feel like it anymore.