Here I am again.
In this narrow road of the city.
Looking into nowhere and then stares at the ground underneath my feet.
How does it feel to be there?
How does it feel to be under this rough and hard ground?
There's nothing positive I can think right now. Everything that travels my mind are painful thoughts.
For here I am again. Suffering from all the memories of my history.
Is there any way to escape this heartache?
Is there any way to escape this hell I am in right now?
Is there any way to take away all this pain?
If there is, can somebody please tell me?
I wish I can cast a magic spell in this bullshit mind of mine so that I can just sing a "Plam!" and the memories will disappear.
When will I be able to forget all these bad memories?
Why? Why me?
I asked God for so many times on why do I have to remember these when he's totally fine already.
Why do I still blame myself for everything?
Why do I still blame myself for his short comings?
Is it because I was a fool?
Is it really a big sin to love a person that much?
Is it really a big sin to love someone despite his imperfections?
It was all in the past.
I know.
Do I still love him?
No. Not anymore.
Then why am I crying?
Why am I sobbing to this hard ground?
Why am I still suffering from all the pain?
Because, I was not able to get myself up again.
Because, I am still afraid.
Afraid of love?
No. Definitely not.
Afraid of myself.
What if I cannot bear it the next time around?
What if I cannot bear the pain?
What if it would just be another toxic and painful relationship?
Am I meant to suffer like this again?
I don't know if I would still be alive the next time around.
I no longer know...
If somebody's willing to hear me out, would you listen to me without judging me?
Judgement.
That scares me most.
I'm afraid to trust.
I am more afraid to be judged by people.
For others may say they would listen to you, but they never will.
They never will.
Now, if somebody out there could hear me out, are you there?
Can I reach you?
If I can, please...
Please help me save myself from this exhausting misery...