Self, keep going.

I have a class by 8AM later. I have 3 reports to present. Too many lessons to cram up. Interviews and case studies due soon.

But it's 2AM. And I am doing nothing.

I'm worried. Really. I've been anxious about everything that is going on with my life. I work far from home. I take care of high school students' welfare. I go home on weekends to attend classes because I wanted to have a master's degree. I can only spend time with my family on Sundays. Then travel back for work. Weekdays at work, Saturdays in school, Sundays with family. That's my life as of now. My weekly routine. Sounds okay. But not for a worrier like me.

At work, I see students who are broken. A lot of them don't do well in school, have dysfunctional families, bullied, abused and are in great need of genuine love. But everytime I see that, I don't know what to do. I wish I could do more for them. I often show a happy and brave face to them but deep inside, I wish I could tell all of them, "I can't give the best help for you, I'm sorry!". I ran out of enthusiasm and going to work is just a boring everyday routine.

I'm broke. My money is not enough to sustain my needs. My family has financial crisis and asking money from them takes so much courage and bargaining of promises. They don't pressure me. I pressure myself because I chose this low-earning job when they all told me to quit so I can find a better paying job. I'm a loser. And yeah, I'm broke.

At school, I have no friends. My classmates are nice people. But at the end of the day they're just all like me dealing with so much responibilities and show up to class with no major intention to just make friends. We are all there to get a Master's Degree diploma so we can have better lives. Socializing isn't the main thing when you're in graduate school I guess. I want to become a psychologist. That's why I'm taking this risk of paying for an expensive tuition ripping off my personal wants from my budget and spending my late nights studying on stuff I don't understand. Never a day that I didn't question if I made the right decision admitting myself in graduate school. Because when I think of the academic requirements, all I feel is fear that I might flunk all these and just waste my money in paying for that expensive school. I hate that feeling. But I feel that everyday.

I have a lovely family. My parents support me in all ways they know how. But I feel so inadequate especially with all the needs we have at home and I couldn't even give a single peso. My parents pampered me when I was younger. And now I'm aware that I have decision-making problems because of that. But I still suck at decision making and everyday I still ask myself, "am I doing the right thing??? Is it right that I'm still in this job? Is it right that I took up MA? Is it right that I quit community? Is it right that I chose to live this life on my own?" Because honestly, all I hear in my heart is fear. I fear being not enough. I fear not attaining my goals. I fear not becoming my ideal self. I fear to have no worth at all. I fear whatever this life brings me because I feel like I did nothing right and the future will punish me for that.

I'm worried. But I have a class in a few hours. I have to keep going. As I shut my eyes tonight I hope that when I wake up, I see myself moving a little forward no matter how small that step might be. As long as I moved forward. What I only want right now is for all of these to make sense. Everything that I am worried right now will make me a better person in the future because I won't back down. I will keep going until something arrives in my life that will make me say, "I fought for this. This was the worth I was longing for so long".