Shattered

You are and will always be my deepest regret.

I'll forever wonder what could've been if I just realized my feelings earlier,

What we could've had,

What we could've become,

And it brings me immense pain,

To think that there is no "us",

To know that there will never be an "us".

Do I love you?

Yes. But almost.

It was an utter desperation,

I've never been this desperate,

Using alcohol, caffeine to fuel my body.

I can't forget about you.

I may not love you that much now,

But I'm in the fine line between

Like or love,

Certain or maybe,

Indecisive whether to cross it or stop.

But I just can't control myself.

You, who used to care so much.

You, who used to be so kind to me.

You, who used to help me with my endeavors.

You, who used to be happy around me.

You, who forgot about me.

You, who broke my heart.

I'm in a mess,

that can't seem to get out of.

Night by night, I drown myself

In the depths of alcohol

Waiting for something to happen.

Waiting for my mind to forget

About you on its own.

Waiting for you to return,

Though I know I'll be waiting for nothing.

Nothing at all.

I don't want to be near you.

I don't want to remember the sharp words of rejection from your lips.

I don't want to make a move.

I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to love you

More than I already do.

And I don't want to assume you love me this much because

I know you don't.

I know you never will.

I'm sorry I took so long.

I'm sorry for bothering you.

I'm sorry for being mean to you.

I'm sorry for all the trouble.

I'm sorry I had nothing to say that night.

I'm sorry I was too late.

I can't help but blame myself

For everything that happened.

Why was I so confused?

Why did I remain stuck in the middle?

Why did I have second thoughts?

Why did I reject you?

Why didn’t I realize the first time around that I didn't love you as a friend only?

I can't help it.

It was never my choice.

It was never a choice for me to decide.

It wasn't my fault I drowned myself in alcohol and thoughts of you

It wasn't my fault I cried my heart out,

Before I went to sleep.

It wasn't my fault I broke down on the cold shower floor

Remembering your eyes,

Remembering your jokes,

Remembering all the kindness you've shown me,

Remembering how it all felt like,

Remembering the hurt you've caused me,

Through the very words

I never expected to hear.

You came into my life just to tear me apart.

You came into my life just to break me into pieces.

You came into my life just to leave me shattered.

And now, I don't know how to feel normal again,

To feel whole again.

I know I'd never return

To the way I used to be.

I am

Broken.

Shattered.

In pieces.

Of course some of my words were lies,

Insolent lies.

This is all my fault.

This is something I'll have in my heart,

For the rest of my life,

Something I'll never forget.

If only moving on was that easy,

But it's not.

I can't just forget and move on,

It's not that simple.

You're in my veins and I can't seem to get you out.

I just wanted you to risk it all,

Because you never know how perfect something could turn out to be if you give it the chance to.

I'm in pain

no one understands.

When I think about you,

my stomach hurts,

My head hurts,

My heart hurts,

Everything hurts.

I always try to convince myself

I no longer care about you.

But I always find myself thinking about you.

You destroyed me.

I could never hurt you the way you hurt me.

As what they say,

We were never in love,

But oh God, we could've been.

I don't even think you liked me that much,

Only a month has passed by and you forgot about me entirely.

So if ever, I still cross your mind,

always remember,

I gave you a choice,

to stay or to leave.

And you chose to break my heart.

You chose to break my heart.