Sinking Despair

Your ex beloved doesn't just leave you with memories, he leaves you with an enormous number of habits. good or bad, those habits constitute the major part of what you become as a person and moreover what you become as a lover. With the dawn of darker nights, drier monsoons, mornings cease to reach my window to shrug off the fog that has deposited over the years of being cold without you. the strangers who came and went were unable to warm my bed which still feels empty though I have never come out of it. Being without you wasn't just difficult but delusional.

So about the habits. when a person who decided to make you habitual of them being around why not then does he make the necessary arrangements to dissolve the need of wanting him when he left. Except the broken promises, the untrue big words, the unfulfilled beautiful dreams what did he leave for you? Oh yes he left the never dying need to miss him by my bedside. Unwanted as much as it might be these reminiscences of the past sticks to your skin like you have spilled a whole hot mug of memories mixed with sugar and peace and un dissolved hope and many more unpleasant things all over from head to toe and it has left burnt marks like never before. The marks, the unpleasant ones that stay as a stamp of being his unclaimed possession. The body that remains his dominion even after ages of touching him the last time. the breath that counts each second as an extended curse of my betrayal to him. The love, the love inside me which stays a slave to his voluntarily.

The habits of black coffee, cigarettes, late night movies, Chinese food, clicking pictures in black and white, etc that remain constant. long after i am over with him. My knowledge is aware of not needing him in my life no more. But the want of having him still remains out of my area of conquer. The habit of hearing your name on the streets and turning around with an ending hope of seeing you is the child of the habit I had of seeing you every second my eyes saw something. The habit of shopping for you, deciding your new haircuts and beard do and almost everything from your wall color to your mom's jewelry gifts gives rise to my feeling of unemployment now. I always thought what would I do without you while I we were still together and never found an answer. After making my peace with the loss I had incurred after actually losing you I realized the answer has never cease to surround me. the answer was " I' ll miss you". AND MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE I WOULD HAVE TO STRUGGLE EACH SECOND TO COME OUT OF THE HABIT OF BEING WITH YOU.

As an antidote of the poison you pushed down my throat by leaving me, I tried many things like friends with benefits, flings, night parties, intoxication, rap music, basically a meaningless life. Nothing could really save me from dying a death that left me alive to live a purposeless life of living without you.

And oh poor you, for a person who would do anything to push you out of her system you can't even imagine what all could she have done to raise to the altar with you. To raise to state of becoming the purer human. To the state of becoming unworldly in this world of unloved lovers.