Slippery

I see a ray of light - I think it's the beginning of all existence. And then I heard a series of imperceptible beatings in crescendo - my own heart, beating, a sign of life. 

I am lying on a soft... no, maybe floating even; inside what seemed like a void, I call world -my own world. It felt like a home with lots and lots of gooey liquid I considered food. I felt so warm and safe, I try to move, swim, flip and sleep - on repeat. There was this time when I heard a sweet voice I can't quite tell from where; some nights she sleeps soundly but some nights she weeps to sleep. Sometimes I hear her ask "what have I done?", I'm not sure if she's trying to talk to me but I guess I will never know. I wish she would speak to me as I feel she's lonely, I am just here, in my own void listening to her. Sometimes I hear other voices with her, giggling, crying and sometimes talking - the other voices that aren't hers sounded like children, I wish I can do the same like them. But I guess, I will never do so now. 

One day I heard a man's voice, it didn't sound any sweet and I don't know how or why but his voice sounded familiar albeit it was the first time I heard him and I think he is speaking to her - how much does the medicine cost? The unfamiliar voice asked. It's 1,500 for 4 tablets she answered sounding firm and desperate. And how much for a box of milk and diapers for Tyler and Eva? He asked again, that's 3,000 she responds with bluntness in her voice. After some time, I heard another voice - both an unfamiliar and unfriendly voice that hearing her made me cringe. She said all you need is at least 6 tablets, 3 of which you need to drink, and the rest needed inserting. Once done she continued, it's a guarantee you will get rid of it by morning. In a distant and empty voice, she answered, thank you but I can only afford four tablets at the moment. Then four tablets you will have my dear the other voice replied back. 

 Not long enough, I heard the usual sniffs and cries of the woman. I tried to open my mouth to speak but no words came out - I wanted to tell her to stop crying, that everything will be okay. And out of nowhere, she said, "I wish I could have you but I have no choice - I need to let you go, I'm so sorry". 

I felt so empty and sad hearing her agonizing voice, sounding feeble yet desperate. She cried and cried in silence, while I hoped and hoped for her to feel better - until I tasted something.... something that words can't even describe. A stinging acid like sensation is burning my insides, the usual harmonious beats I hear are now going berserk - my heart... I tried to breathe, I tried to kick, no, wait...pain. more pain. My once peaceful and safe void is now covered in blood, I lose focus. Slowly, slowly fading... Momma, if this is the only way for you to feel better, I'll embrace the pain. I'll let go of life; so you can live, happily. I didn't know I was the reason for all of your tears, Momma, it's too painful, a pain I can't seem to bear...my vision slowly, slowly faltering, I'm slipping away. I wish I had the chance to see your face. I wanted to see you smile and giggle with you, I wanted to tell you it will be okay...I wish I can hug you, Momma. I wish you can hear this -  "I'm sorry for everything, I love you, Momma..."

I see a ray of light - I think it's the beginning of all the end.

Credits to Kathryn Trotter for art painting "Whitney" oil on canvas