Slipping my last breath

“Please listen to me just wear these and sit for an hour!!”, Requested my Mom whom I never seen Before.

“ No I will not, I don’t like all these shit, I was performing the same for last 20 years only because of you, now I wanna stop and you should listen to  me.What do you get seeing me in that old fashioned short-handed sleeves and long bottomed pants every year??”

“My son every year we are comparing you with the last year photograph with same modeled dress”, “ Look How much you changed, you were very cute and mild at your very first ceremony, till your 10th ceremonial- I still remember that you used to say “ Mom!! please tell me how you want to see me and how should I pose to the photograph.” you were always used to run after your dad but now you are no more talking and even looking at his face, what happened to you why you are behaving like this?” “Oh lord! why are you appraising my patience ??” “Oh lord of world verily I ask you to help, bestow your light and blessings on my son, hope a miracle happen and bring my son back to me.”

“Mom! will you just stop praying him, who is a false creation.Nothing changed here, no one is appraising you and your patience.I’m grown up and not a kid to listen your foolish traditions and culture which doesn’t possess any worth, more over no significance in this scientific world”.

“ Now I remember I too used to argue in the same manner with my parents I had hurt their feelings and lord is making justice by hurting mine by means of my son, Please lord I beseech you please stop punishing me at least now.”

“Mom please ask him to stop his nonsense”,

“Hope the lord will forgive you”, said my mother and continued... “ you should not speak like this to your dad, even your tone must not be higher than his.” and started weeping.

“What happened? stop crying, now tell me what to do am gonna do that.”

“Is that real what I heard?” yes mom am gonna do it guide me..

“I’m so happy for you,my son. that’s really worth my prayer.”

“Thankyou Lord!! I just prayed you and you proved your presence hope your blessings be with my son all the time” “What I did to stop your crying and why are you praising him to the skies? he is not lord but a filthy animal who takes credit of every good deed accounting the bad deeds into his stupid hallowed brain followers.” said to myself in low voice.

“Come here my son please be seated here.” “yeah I know how can I forget such awkward moments of my life that occur every year” said to myself in awful voice.

“Can you take out the last year photograph dear.” “Take it here it is...” “Thank you! what is this? This photograph is blurred, Where did you kept it all these days? Aren’t you even capable of taking care even this?” “why are you yelling at me I kept it safe,Let me check what went wrong with it.”said my dad cautiously “Dad! it is clear not needed to check”, “Mom, here are your spectacles.” “Oh! see god is making it clear, very soon he will take me away from you to my place.”

“ A place where I could see him” “ A place where every devotee wish to visit and stay there for ever” “A place for where I have been praying to get there since I awakened from the deep sleep of my ignorance and arrogance” “A place where i surely be sad of nothing but your absence”

“Mom please stop that, or else I will move away from here.” “Oh, am sorry my son you please be seated .” “Look my son how you have changed, you lost your double cheeks that troubled you from years.” “Look at your face you lost tan,now you are no more cute,you are becoming handsome.” “You have changed totally in your appearance and behaviour too.” “Bless you my son” “I wish everything you wish be fulfilled and the joy of getting succeeded must be at your feet,hope your failure and arrogance shouldn’t reach your head.” and “ I pray god to consider my wish.”

“ Can we have this year photograph now?” of course my son “come here,don’t smile at the camera.” “yes mom I do remember” (Ready...3...2...1...click)

“That was nice snap, no fake expressions only the real we are on the pic.” My mom was so particular about this one snap, she never likes keeping an expression to the snap as it may hide some of the features. ”Finished?or any thing else....?” I enquired her “Just one more thing” she replied. “ All of which is fine,One more thing?... what is that??” asked her in surprising tone,Usually this ceremony will end by taking photograph but now she was asking one more thing.

She said “ You might have known ‘kumbhamela’ is happening around this week” “Yeah I know so...?” It would be good for you and your future if you take blessings from ‘Nagasadhus’ who will come into the society only on such rare occasions, please node for it.

“And Then ... What else ??” “I was forced to accept it, and the day came, they took me to the barren land and made me to wait for hours, all my relatives and family friends were attended to see the 'Nagasadhus'.” “As the day was humid and sun was at his harsh on us,I said to my mom that “This is not okay I even couldn’t stand here I will move away from here with in 10 min, no matter what happens” No sooner I said these to her, a noise hit my ears, I saw around me but couldn’t find where It is coming from, gradually the sound increased and then I seen a huge mob of ‘Nagasadhus’ running towards us, every one were scattered, only Me and my mom were left holding each other, they were rushing towards us and that huge mob hit us.I flung to some where else ,where I was laying on my stomach. I felt someone’s leg on my back applying their full force and pressure,he is trying to kill me, my respiration was about to cease, every next inhalation is becoming half to the last one, my brain totally convinced that am going to die in the next few seconds, but

I was not afraid, I was not crying, I even didn't try to have my breath, I was not interested to fight with him, I was neither happy nor sad of that moment.

Then my ego came into play, It asked me Who is he ? How dare he is ---to had his foot on you!! and then I craved to see him I tried my bitter hard to see him by displacing his foot from my back but I couldn’t, he is so strong and I felt that he came here with only one work and the work is to kill me but I didn’t loose my guts,I tried several times but result was not in my court, I have encountered number of failures with increasing trials, finally I lost hope on me but still my desire to see him is alive,My ego made me to pray for god.And my prayer is like: “Take me away I won’t object..” “Take me away I won’t object!!” but make him to remove his leg even though if am at my last breath.” Hoping that ,I collected whole energy of my body right from my baby toes and from my hair tips and gathered every thing in my right hand fist.I was ready with my fist to punch him and make him sink to the ground even though i was left with one second ,He discarded his foot before a few nano seconds when i was about to experience my last breath.

I sprang up tout-de-suite and executed temple punch very fairly and It was more than enough to kill him,at that instant I felt like I was the only happiest man in the universe, But ....

When I slowly opened my eyes,I could see no-man around me except my blanket and pillow.I was lost and found myself in the pool of queries, My brain froze to some degree with question marks am really thirsty to find answers,I started asking my self

Who might have tried to kill me ?

why he wanted to kill me ?

what harm i did to him ?

Is he a man or a supernatural force ?

If it is a supernatural force what made it for its trail ?

I have no answers to any one of my questions, but my brain started saying it is the supreme force’s gesture of taking me away from this land which is a punishment of my deed,I was literally trembling with fear I wanted to go down stairs so that I could forget this, I wasn’t even dare enough to see around cause every new thing I found, might afraid me, as I was already in fear, I couldn’t close my eyes too as it may bring more concentration and boost my imagination of something horrible and terrifying creature,I could do nothing except starring at a fixed imaginary point at sharp end and am completely in daze about the happenings around me, but that hunger of knowing the reasons behind this breath-taking incident is still alive.

Slowly I healed from that and started searching for reasons I started to look back the past 24 hours, Retrieved every possible action, nothing seemed to be worthy deed but then finally I found them.And they are....

Being born for Islamic couple I didn’t perform Namaz on the auspicious day of “Shab e-Meraj”

As an extreme observer of Hinduism and Christianity I tossed ‘Bhagavadhgeeta(mini)’ and ‘Bible(pocket)’ else where.

My brain started to conclude them as the reason for the horrible experience.

Then as am afraid of that experience, I don’t want it to be repeated, I started saying sorry to Allah, Jesus,Krishna twice equals to my one heart beat (lub-dub), and this happened for another 15 minutes.

Slowly, I came out from that situation, My Real ME came in to conscious and started to recollect the entire things happened to me and I came to conclusion that it was just a nightmare but, I am the one who over reacted to it, & I am the one who made me to do the things against my Ideology.

I am is the one whose reason of his birth was my Ego,

I am is the one who was born when I lost hope in me,

I am is the one who wanted the things to happen in my way,

I am is the one who dared to born when I started to become slave for my wants and needs,

I am is the one who finally landed in me when I lost my courage and

I am is the Theist who killed the Agnostic ME.

In the entire episode like you, I too observed that An Atheist became Theist (started praying god) by only three causes

When he loved him more than anyone else(egoism, extreme self-esteem).

I started to fight when my ego completely overtook me which driven the way for the desire to see him.

When he was occupied by his wants and desire.

When I wanted to see him, to kill him, but couldn't.

When he was afraid.

When finally I was trembling with fear.

So does it means that a normal man can Successfully kill The God (concept of Religion/god) when he loses his wants and gains courage ??

This question throbbed me for another hour that night ; and I recalled that dream as much as possible, cause I don’t want it to forget so that I could write like this.

Let me know your answer in the comment section below. 

Hope this may make you to think for minute.

✍Rafiq oulia.&The_RO_Ideology