"Pain" as per the oxford english dictionary the meaning of this word is 'Highly unpleasant physical sensation caused by illness or injury', but more often than not what breaks us is not this literal pain but the pain of hearts, the feelings that lay shattered, the world crashing infront of our eyes and that is what gives birth to a strange sense of strength that keeps us going.
In the past few years there have been a lot of times when I have felt this intense pain that almost broke me, but I dont know what force it was that constantly gave me strength or was it that I was too weak to take a stand or do something that would end it for once and all. I dont know, I am confused, confused of what I want from life, do I want a comfortable existence with a husband who earns well, me having a settled job, family nearby, in laws loving and understanding or is it that these are the very things I loathe because they will be the very reason that will take the love of my life away from me, how can I adjust someone not making him the priority what I believe and think as of now is that there can be no love in which the object of your affection is not the priority, he/she should always be 'Before anybody else', literally.There is nothing like managing in love, love is not a job wherein you give slots, some part time some half time, whatever be the circumstances its always exclusive full time, but do I actually believe in all this, If I get married which I surely will given the happiness of my family and society and at the same time I cannot leave him he now runs in my veins there is no me without him, I cant leave him given the situation and the hardships he is bearing in life I am his only recourse and I cant leave someone hanging on loose rope and definitely not him, maybe after a few years when he has had kids with his wife the family and work has stablized for him I can leave because that will be the time he will no longer want me with all his heart, things change and so do priorities and though this makes my heart wrench but this will happen however hard he tries to avoid it, but this is inevitable, my bitterness towards him, his growing intimacy and attention from his wife will make him weary of me, this is the only thought that makes me think positively towards the decision of my parents to get me married to someone else.