story eight

                                      Boundaries                                       

“But Mumma, you promised me that you would buy me an Ice-cream today”, she complained.

“Sweetheart, you’ve been suffering from cold and cough since a few days. Don’t you remember what the doctor uncle told you yesterday? Later honey! Recuperate first.” I said, rubbing off dirt from her face and making a ponytail out of her lustrous brownish mane.

The railway station was in its full rush, with people swarming up and down as if it was a day of Judgement and there I was staring at my own little world, my daughter. Noor (as I had named her) was indeed as beautiful and serene as her name. The first time I got a glimpse of her was in the caesarean section, when even though I was wreathing in utmost pain, I felt a warmth, the utmost pleasure of watching that little thing twitching her rosy lips, her petalled eyes dreaming some unknown dreams, still unaware of this world, feeling secure as if she were still in her mother’s womb. I wish she was there throughout, in my womb; forever, so that I could hid her there safely in the comforting shadows . Little had she known that her father had disowned her the moment she was born. She was a girl. And as inked in the rules book, being born a girl, she was bestowed with her first unknown suffering.

And there I was, torn apart between the blame of giving birth to a girl child and my own Noor. And I chose the latter. I was bound to choose her. I was destined to protect her from all the harm and the blame game even if it came from her own family. My self-respect mattered to me but she mattered to me more.

The train whistled and we boarded the train, still caressing her in my arms and managing the luggage with great effort. I never let her go apart. My friends sometimes got pissed off owing to my over-protective nature towards her, warning me again and again that I would hinder her emotional growth but I was adamant. And there was a reason to it which none knew. Maybe I was ashamed enough to have married a man who was so low in his level of humanity and I blamed myself for that, even though it was an arranged marriage.

“Mumma, I want the window seat”, she said in her usual honey coated tone.

And this time too I couldn’t oblige her since it was already occupied. I watched helplessly, trying to find out ways to bar down her demand this time too when suddenly I heard a voice- “Yes Love, you can have it all. Come.”

I came across a man fully clothed in his winter clothes, smiling amiably towards my daughter and looking at me confusingly.

“No, it’s absolutely fine. She has been a bit ill these days and this has made her mood swing a bit”, I smiled, thanking him for his warmth.

“ Offering a window seat to a sweet coated thing wouldn’t make me lose dollars I suppose”, he replied and I couldn’t help smiling deeper.

“Come sweetheart, have your seat.” He got up to take her away from my arms to the seat and inspite of my initial hesitation of letting her go, my three years old daughter obliged him comfortingly.

And the entire journey went by listening to her strange little queries which he sportingly obliged.

“So can we risk some introductions if you don’t mind ?”, he asked, his smile highlighting his facial features.

“ Yes of course”, I smiled back, “ My name’s Priyadarshini and I am a lecturer by profession. I am moving over to Birmingham for a few days to my Aunt’s house; owing to some work in the State University” I replied.

“An Indian I suppose?”, he queried still smiling.

“Yes! Hope that won’t change anything”, I meant sarcasm with that.

“Not at all. Instead, had I known it earlier, I would have greeted you with a Namaste!” and with that he stood up from his seat trying to greet me with folded hands enacting a namaste.

I couldn’t help laughing out loud at this trial. And he joined the laughter too.

“ Jokes apart, my name’s Leon. I am a historian and I stay in New Hampshire. By the way, which university shall you be heading towards?” he asked.

“The University of Birmingham. There’s a seminar over there and…..”, “and also a fair”, he interrupted.

“Yes but…..”a bit surprised I was.

“I am heading towards the same” he confirmed with his persistent smile. “and this requires further introductions and meetings”.

“Yes sure!” I replied.

The train reached its destination and we parted ways with Leon planting a soft fatherly kiss on my little ones cheeks and cuddling her. For reasons unknown, the view made my heart wrench, it felt heavy and I so wished it to be her own father to have done the same. The memories traced back its footsteps to those instances when he disowned her and declined to see her face even. My in-laws made the situation worse. Had it not been my own family and my own perseverance and guts, I would have barred this kid from the things she deserves. Yet there was a vacuum, the void of fatherly love which she was unfortunate enough to have barred from. My voice choked.

It had been almost three days later that I met Leon again at the seminar. He looked petite and gentle and was too young to be a professor. On noticing me, he waived and cutting through the crowd, approached greeting me all along.

“ So good to see you again”, he beemed. “I was expecting to get a glimpse of you for quite a long time and even checked twice the list of invitees.”he snorted.

“ Yes I was there in the front row.”I replied.

“So when shall I be expecting your lecture? I am all ears now.”

“After the lunch”, I smiled back.

“By the way, you look lovely.”

“Thank you.”

“So may we have our seats? I have already saved one for you since a long time, protecting it smartly with bloody lame excuses!”

“Indeed.” I couldn’t help laughing.

The entire session passed by and I heard him whistle at the end of my seminar. For some unknown reason, my eyes searched for his continuous approval in between my speech making me doubtful if at all I was a pro in my field of expertise. And he supported throughout with his little warming gestures.

I was wrapping my things up when he knocked at the door.

“May I come in m’am?”

“Of course you can. I was arranging all the paper-works. Noor must be waiting for me. She always has her dinner in my presence.” I said.

“Okay then my knocking was futile for I was expecting to have dinner with you. Well, wait a bit. Can’t we take honey-bunny along? I mean if you don’t mind, I would love to have both of you.”

“Pardon?”

“Oh I mean, both of yours company” he answered quickly clearing his throat, looking a bit jittery.

“Well if that be an invitation, I would love to oblige.”

“Fine then . I am waiting for you in my car at the entrance. Will take Honey-bunny en route.” He said quickly rushing towards the door.

And there we were, all three of us enjoying the night air.

Noor was so much into him that she rather chose the warmth of his arms instead of mine and that made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I was shifting in my seat, feeling rather uncomfortable looking at the string of affection between them. She laughed, nibbled at his beard, felt the warmth of his lap while enjoying her meal and his cuddle. I envied their perfect father-daughter affection.

After finishing off our meals, I tried taking her back in my arms to which she negated.

“Come here! That’s enough for today.”I almost snatched her away from him.

“Hey relax! She’ll get hurt that way.”

“I know what will hurt her and what not. I am her mother. You don’t need to bother” I retorted, sounding desperate.

Noor started to cry, shocked by this attitude of mine. “Don’t. Stay away from her.” my voice cracked.

He said nothing during the entire journey back home. Noor was lulled to sleep. He snatched glances at me from the corner of his eyes but said nothing. And I was there, raging with my own thoughts. The fear of losing my daughter. It was insane and it had been three long years since my divorce but somehow I felt every man to be her enemy, trying to snatch her away from me.

That night I cried. The thoughts kept on tormenting and haunting me since years. What if I lose my child! The agony has not yet faded away. My child being fatherless! Abandoned from the fatherly love which she deserved! How I wished to see her laugh and play like any other child with a father! The desperation and panic in case of Leon was much because I saw a perfect father in him for my lovely daughter. A picturesque that I longed for. An image that I feared!

It had been a couple of days that I received no call from him. I felt bad at my gesture for it wasn’t his fault at all. But I felt myself to be adamant enough for not calling him back and apologizing. For who was he to me! Just a stranger.

That evening itself, he turned up to my home. I felt surprised and a bit awkward to have confronted him after my misbehavior.

“Am I allowed to get in?” he spoke sensing my inefficiency to speak.

“Yes! Come in.” I said, feeling a loss of words.

“Where’s Noor?” he asked.

“Fast asleep. She has her drawing class early in the morning.”

“Hmm. I bought something for her, if you don’t mind.” he said, handing over a box full of her favorite chocolates.

“How do you know?”I felt surprised.

“I just know. It doesn’t always have to be a blood relationship.”he said, softly but firm.

“Leon, I am sorry about that day’s incident. I don’t know how to apologize. I have had incidents in my life which made me react like that, for I fear. I am…”

“I know”, he said, snapping my words short. “I know everything. I had a conversation with your aunt before I came here. Listen Priyadarshini! Life is too short for fears and discontent. I understand your situation. I understand your fears even. But don’t you think you should give life a second chance?”

“Its not easy. Our culture is a restriction. My divorce was an issue with many and that made me leave my country. I don’t want my child to get belittled for anything. What have I said to her! What reason would have I given for her father’s resentment! That she’s a girl! That was enough to call off the marriage. I tried my level best to make things turn right, to lure him by virtues of his blood relation. But what he said in return was something I didn’t expect at all. He asked me to abandon her. He urged me to let her live like an orphan. It was beyond me to live with a man with such a low lying mentality and I couldn’t. He has a son now from his second wife. In these years, never had he called us or asked for our where-abouts! Is this what my daughter and I deserved?” I started to weep.

He comforted me and held my hands. “ No! don’t cry. You aren’t weak. What you did was right, absolutely right.” And then he said, “Priyadarshini! I know I am not an Indian, not of your religion but keeping all these things aside and by begging your pardon before-hand , I would like to propose to you for for marriage. Don’t get me wrong. I had felt a strange string of connection, the day we first met and I first held Noor in my arms, I felt blessed. I am not saying this to lure you by any means but I would love to have you in my Life. The decision is entirely yours and is respected.” He said, still holding my hands.

I kept mum. It was unexpected. Though I had developed a liking for him but I never thought that way.

“Can I have a glance of Noor?”

I affirmed positive. He went to the room and quietly kissed her forehead. As he was leaving, I found my kid slowly grasping his finger in her sleep.

I choked. Even if I had to give all that she deserved, all the care, love and protection, there was something I  could not give- The fatherly Love. Deep beneath she yearned for it. I couldn’t control my tears. He approached me and gave me an understanding nod. I cried my heart out. All the pain that was shackled in chains, I had let it go. The protection of his arms compelled me to open up to him and how much I had yearned for this comfort. He held me tight to his heart and kept on caressing me till I was done. His eyes could read all my uncertainties and fears, all the doubts I had and collecting all those he kissed my forehead.

“I want to be the father of your daughter.Our little Hunny-bunny! And I want you to make my family complete. To make me complete. And don’t worry, I am quite an eligible bachelor and not homosexual.” He said, in his usual amiable tone, teasing me a bit.

“I know. I saw your goosebumps that day after the seminar. When you stared at me blatantly!” I snapped back mocking him.

“I just couldn't help it" , he smiled feeling a bit embarrassed.. 

" Let it be", I replied and indeed Let it be so!

- It has been ten years since we are married. I have two daughters now. And he had always made me feel proud to have borne him two daughters. How unexpected things turn out to be! I got the love of my life in a stranger; in a foreign land! And I am so much in love with him. Yes, certain love-stories are extra-ordinary. And certain father-daughter relationships too are.