“And she never looked back…”
“And she never looked back…”he ended his story leaving me astounded.
“Why on the Earth did she never look back? Why didn’t she enquire about him further? Is she insane? I would have stormed the world to know a single detail about you had you done something like this.”
“Stormed the world eh? You’re being impulsive Shruti.”
“No Avi. I’m pretty sure. I care enough for you to know the reality.I cannot turn my back on the truth even if it’s bitter.”
“Sounds impressive. Anyways, I got to leave. See you tomorrow. Till then think about my story.”
He kissed me on my forehead and departed. I sat on the bench, brooding over his words, “She never looked back.” The story, somehow, disturbed my senses and bewildered me. That night, I couldn’t sleep. The story, as if, had caught me with its deadly paws and was strangling me.
“Why did Avi suddenly come up with such a story? Is there a sublime truth that I’m unable to grasp? Is that going to be the fate of us?” I thought to myself a thousand times.
Sleeplessness made me nostalgic. Memories poured over me as raindrops fall on the pavement, in heavy succession, smoothly, yet so rough. A vision rose before my eyes.
“Shruti, I cannot stand her anymore. I think we should call it off”, I remembered him saying .
“Are you mad? Why will you do that? There’s no problem that can’t be solved by talking. Talk to her. If you want I can do that.” I told him, despite the fact that I loved him. He was all that mattered to me and I could do anything to see him happy
“No. Its over Shruti. I don’t want to give a second thought. I’ve made my mind”
“Avi you love her. Can you live without her?” I said, my voice choking. A tear rolled down my cheek and I pushed the phone away.
“I don’t. I love someone else Shruti. I’ve been thinking for long to tell you but couldn’t.”
“Whom?” My heart thumped louder and faster than it ever did.
“You. I love you. I always did. It’s just that I could never realize. It’s after Annie came in my life that I realized it’s you for whom I’ve waited for. No one understands me the way you do. No one, even my mom, cares for me the way you do. I love you Shruti and want you to be by my side for my entire life.”
A long silence followed. I was speechless. I’ve always wanted to hear this from him, but now that it was spoken, I couldn’t articulate my feelings. A deadly stillness numbed my senses. My hands froze like ice.
“Are you there? Shruti, I’m sorry if you felt bad. I didn’t tell you this before because I didn’t want to ruin our friendship. Shruti, please say something. Your silence is deafening. For god’s sake please speak..”
“I love you too. I love you from the very day we became best friends. I loved you even when you were with other girls. I loved you even when you were rude to me. I loved you every time you said ‘sorry’ to me. I loved you since I knew the meaning of love and I’ll love you till eternity.”
“I wish you were in front of me now. I cannot tell you how happy I am today. I love you.”
“I love you too. I have to hang up, else Mom will suspect. Bye”
The vision slowly faded. Even after one year, the day is still clear and vivid in my memory. Each of his words still echo in my ears. My heart still leaps whenever I remember this. Tears of joy filled my eyes and made them heavy. This heaviness finally lulled me to sleep.
The next day, I didn’t raise the topic of the story. I didn’t want to make him feel that I was scared, scared of losing him. And surprisingly even he didn’t talk a word about it. That we spent so much time together yet he didn’t even for once ask me about my further thoughts on the story struck me as a bit odd. But I was glad that I didn’t have to reveal my fears.
Days went by and the story slid into oblivion. We met every day, chatted almost all day long, but the issue was never raised. With him by my side, the world seemed greener, the flowers smelled sweeter, the sun shined brighter and my life was better. Gradually, the fear that had crept inside my heart, the fear of losing him, loosened its fangs and I was contented.
It was 11th January, a boring Saturday, a day when we were not supposed to meet. He had a social gathering to attend and I had my dance rehearsals.
“How badly I want to meet you today! I want to take you to the party and show everyone how lucky I’m to have you.” His text arrived even before sun has shown his face.
“Don’t behave like a kid. We’re meeting tomorrow again. Why did you get up so early? Go back to sleep.” I replied with drowsy eyes.
I woke up with eleven text messages from him. In each of them he had sent pictures of set of dresses and asked me to choose one set for him to wear today. I laughed at his innocence and thanked god for blessing me with someone like him.
“The third one will look the best on you.” I replied
“I knew you’d choose that. Our choices are so similar.”
“Ought to be. After all, we are best friends first and then anything else.”
“Yes. I love you. And I’ll miss you today.”
“I love you too. Now go and get ready.”
I got ready for my dance rehearsals and left home. In the class, I checked my phone every now and then, expecting a text from him, though I knew he will not be able to talk till evening. I couldn’t concentrate on my dance; I was so lost in his thought. The few hours seemed like a decade.
Strangely his message arrived one hour before it was supposed to. Happiness flowed through me like streams of water and my heart leaped with joy.
“Hey, you returned? The gathering’s over so early?”
“No it’s still going. I left early. I was missing you.”
“I missed you too. But you should have waited for it to get over. I wasn’t going anywhere.”
“You’ve a problem in talking to me now? Fine, I won’t text you further. Sorry.” I could sense that something wrong with him. He isn’t the same Avi I chatted with in the morning.
“It’s nothing like that. You have every right on me and you can talk to me whenever you feel like. Now tell me, what’s wrong? I’m sure something must have happened to you.”
“Everything is fine. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.”
His texts left me ruffled. I was sure that he wasn’t talking sense but I know I cannot force him to confide until he himself feels the urge. So I waited patiently for his text. An hour passed. Two. Three. He didn’t message further. I was extremely worried. An unknown fear creeping into me. Finally, after waiting for six long hours my phone beeped and his name flashed on the screen. I felt like my life was restored, completely unknown to the fact that what was going to happen was going to change my life forever.
“Are you there?” the text said.
“Anytime for you. Tell me.” I replied.
“I have something to confess.”
“Go on, I’m listening.” My heart beating loudly anticipating what he was about to say.
“Shruti, I think I love Rashi. Today I met her in the party and realized that I still love her. I didn’t want to cheat on you. So I thought its best to confess.”
Tears unrestrained flowed on my cheeks, blurring my vision and my senses. I didn’t know how to react. My phone beeped again and flashed his name.
“I know I’ve terribly wronged you I’m sorry Shruti. Please say something.”
“What you want me to do?” I texted with fumbling hands.
“I don’t want you to get hurt any further. It’ll be best if we quit all connections between us. In that way, none of us will weaken the other.”
“But Avi, I can’t live without you. You know that, don’t you? How can you say that? Can’t we remain friends like we used to? Please Avi, don’t leave me like this. Please, I beg of you.” I replied, weeping copiously.
“I can’t Shruti. I want to end all my distractions. We have come to such a stage where there’s no going back to just friends. I know you’ll understand me. You can hate me with all your soul, but I can’t help it. Take care. Good bye.”
“Avi, how can you do this to me? You loved me, didn’t you? How can you hurt someone you love? You cheated me. I hate you.” I replied with all my frustration and anger. But there was no reply.
“Avi, please talk to me. You can’t just go like this. You have to talk to me. You’ve to answer me.” I persisted, but he didn’t reply.
The next morning I ringed him at least a thousand times but he didn’t reply. I called Rashi and she informed that Avi had asked her not to talk to me any further. I was shattered. He had deliberately shut all his doors and I had no clue about what should I do. None of his friends were willing to speak to me about him. For two days, two nights, I lived the life of a dead. I had my boards just after a month and I couldn’t study a bit.
It was our last day in school. I went to seek blessing from every teacher when one of them, our friendliest teacher, took me to a corner and asked,
“Avi told me that you loved him and forced him to be in a relationship?” She whispered to me.
I was shell-shocked. I couldn’t believe my ears. I didn’t even tell this to my closest friends so that they don’t have a bad impression of him and he told a teacher and that too forcing the entire blame on my shoulder.
“Ma’am, I don’t want to talk about that. All I can tell you is that the fault wasn’t mine” I told her, somehow controlling my tears.
That day, I promised myself, I will never look back to a person who didn’t leave a single opportunity to embarrass me. My anger subdued my pain and set fire to all the feelings I had for him, except that of hatred.
It’s been almost one year since I last heard of him. The person without whom I couldn’t pass an hour was absent from my life for over a year and strangely, his absence didn’t pain me anymore. Or, probably it did but I didn’t want to acknowledge it. He left a void in my heart, a hollow space which no one could fill. My eyes fell on the calendar, it was 11th January. Suddenly all the memories, which I had pushed to the back of my mind for so long, came alive. Each of his text rose to my eyes and I couldn’t help but weep. The bell rang and I ran to the door. A man with a flower bouquet was standing at my door. As I opened the door and he handed over the bouquet and a letter to me and left hastily.
“Who send this?” I shouted, but he was long gone.
I opened the letter. It’s content shook the earth beneath my feet. It said:
“I know you must be missing me today. You must have cursed me at least a hundred times since morning. Well, I deserve every bit of it. I’ve hurt you in every possible way and your hatred is justified. You must be thinking why after a year I suddenly remembered you.
You remember I once told you a story which ended as, “She never looked back.” You said she was a fool and a coward not to enquire further and if you were in her place you’d have stormed the world to know about me. But you didn’t, Shruti. You never looked back. You never tried to enquire why I did that to you. And I’m glad you didn’t, because I know you couldn’t have faced the truth.
When you’ll get the letter I will be fighting with death etherized on a surgery table. Or maybe I’ll be lying still in a glass coffin. Shruti, I had leukemia and that is why I left you. What I did was just to ensure that you hate me to the core and that you do not look back, for I knew I wouldn’t be able to die with you beside me. I’m sorry and I love you. I always did and I always will.
Yours forever and ever
Avi.”
I rushed out of my house and grabbed a cab. I called up his friend and after a lot of persuasion he told me that Avi was admitted at Rubi Hospital. When I reached there it was too late. The surgery was unsuccessful and he was still battling the devil. The doctors allowed only one person to meet him and they all asked me to visit him. I couldn’t stand his condition, his weak body, his sunken eyes, his pale skin educed such pain which i had never felt before. I took a deep breath and entered the room. I sat beside him and as I took his hand in mine, a tear dropped on his hand and he looked at me.
“Shruti, did you forgive me?” he spoke with utter difficulty and I put my hand on his mouth to quiet him.
“You idiot, you stupid, how could you even do something like this? You thought you’ll leave the world without bidding me adieu? Avi, you’re not going anywhere. I’m not letting you go. You can’t leave me, Avi.”
He stared at me with soulful eyes. His lips curled into a smile and he tried to speak,
“I have you beside me. Now I can die a peaceful death. I love you. Take care and forget me as soon as you can.”
“I’ll never forget you Avi. I love you too, you are not going anywhere.”
He again smiled and closed his eyes. His body became stiff and slowly his warmth started fading . I shook and shouted at him, but no response. The doctors came and declared him dead. Everyone burst into tears but I was left stand still. The words of his letter echoed in my ears, “You didn’t look back.” I’ll never be able to forgive myself for that.