~Walnut~

They act as if I can't hear them but I assure you that my ears can pick up the venom on your voices. Their poisonous words travel through my veins, sickening me to the bone. "Is it a girl or a boy?" Yes because everyone classifies me as an "it". Why is it so strange? To dress up as a boy sometimes and then be a girl? What does it matter to them why I do it. It's just who I am so if I don't know them, why do they judge me so bad?

I know its human nature to question still...it's always negative comments like that that bring me down and make me cry. I hate crying, it makes me feel weak and defenseless. As if I am some easy prey they can all attack. Whenever I have these feelings of insecurities, she pops up and brings me my smile. It could be something small such as having her say hello to seeing that beautiful smile she has. And it's strange to see her everyday and think "today is great day, today I will seize it".

Everyday, someone in my class questions my true gender, and yes it bothers me a lot. To be honest, I don't believe I have a gender. To me, gender is just something I can change whenever I feel like it. Everyday, a little part of my soul dies from hearing all their words of hatred. And everyday my soul regenerates whenever she comes around. It's like I was living on a planet that only rains, just when I thought it would never change, boom, she appears like the sun on a cloudy day.

Everyday I wait for her arrival, swift and sure, she comes. I always wondered if she found my genderless self weird or if our friendship would end because of it. Luckily it didn't, it didn't end when I confessed my feelings to her. No, instead it grew as the days progressed. It grew the more I learned about her being, it was addicting being around her. There is no need to hide around her, no need to surpress any emotion or thought. She accepts the way I am. A shy, clumsy, gender queer, bisexual friend who loves making her smile and laugh. 

On some days, I ask her if she gets tired of me, I always receive the same answer. "I enjoy your company, you aren't annoying! Am I annoying?" Oh, darling, how could you ever be annoying to me when I love the way you trip on your own two feet, or when you cant open a bag and ask me to do it, or how you cant sleep unless I lay next to you?

Today, a boy in my class yelled out to me "Hey, are you a girl?" and I wanted to throw the desk at him. I almost did. My first reaction was to be angry, as soon as I thought this, it hit me. It hit me like a truck. The depression began to settle in, the dread of having all the eyes in my class on me. Everyone waiting to hear my reply. I simply got up from my desk, grabbed my things and left for the nurses office.

I wont lie, I cried. How can you not in a situation where people judge you for something you love doing and find to be normal? How can someone expect me to answer such a sensitive question. Do they really think I do this for attention? I just want to be me and it so happens me is both a female and a male. Sometimes neither depending on my mood. I cried my heart out with silence, bending over to clutch my stomach. The nurse thought it strange to see a 'guy' crying in the infirmary but what do I care what she thinks?

Why would I care about what anyone thinks? Smiling I thought about my best friend, she accepts me. As long as one person accepts me in this world, then I will hold on and do my best.

For her, I'd go through fire to be by her side. And how can I protect her when I am sitting here being all weak? I will become stronger, I promise her, I will become the person you can rely on and call for help. I will be strong.