Suicidal thoughts

Have you ever experience anxiety? Depression? Have you ever asked yourself what you really want to do in your life.

Am I the only who feels like you’re alone and no one to rely on? Have you been keep asking yourself are you worth it? Do you have anything to do with your life. Does really anyone can understand us? Does anyone know how much we suffer right now. Does anyone really care for us right now or does anyone really doesn’t care.

I’ve been suffering depression for quiet years right now, its goes on and on and people on my side actually don’t see whats happening to me,its sad that people know me as a happy person and a jolly person but they didn’t know I have a soft side and a dark side which everyone has.

I have my weakness and strengths but which matter the most? Whom I get my strength? Or where do I get my weakness to cause me this pain everyday. Have you ever experience how sad you are right now, your attitude, mood change quicly have you encounter that you’re crying for no reason. There’s a lot of changes that happen in my life I am not used to be a positive person like before I think negatively on what might happen into something, I cant stop thinking the outcome before my day ends.

Crying on my bed while darkness is with me, i need someone who can enlighthen me to the things I have missed, I used to go to church before and right now its beens more than a month since I haven’t go to church. I just don’t feel going to church because I kept asking myself if there is god why my life is like this, why he doesn’t do anything to make everybody life good and sustainable. Why me and my famlily who offers life to him in exchange of something good but why parents always fighting even after going to church when we reach home they start fighting like they never go to church awhile ago, why I am always sad to see my family arguing into something. I believe in god, meaning I believe that he exist I believe that he is true, but am I really into god?

Or this is just an obstacle in my faithfulness to him, and demons playing with my soul? Lots lots of question need to be answer but I don’t know where to go and whom to ask. Even in our church they called themselves servant of god but after the service they talk in peoples back, spreading rumors, envyness to one another. Are they really a servant? Because I know if you are truly a servant you are not talking behind the back. That’s make me discourage to go to church because all of the people out there I don’t see if they are really true, they will judge you and their attitude is not the same inside or outside of the church. 

have you ever wondered how will you survive life? have you ever experience suicidal to think that suicide is the only solution to make things clear. you just want to hide into darkness so that nobody can see you,  you cry at night and the next day you will woke up  with a bright smile in your face so that people in your surroundings think that you're okay but the truth is YOU ARE NOT OKAY.  you want to scream to tell that "I AM NOT OKAY" Its really hard to put a mask on the face- smiling, laughing but the truth is my eyes never lie. My mouth may smile, my voice may laugh but my eyes cant lie, does people in my life seen that? days passing by i am still here wearing my mask and still suffering and pretend that I am okay. 

I dont need to say what i feel or how i feel because in my motion they will know that there is something wrong with me. And yes i am still wearing the mask and i dont know when will i remove this, but one thing i know for sure i am not okay.

 ''I am full of fears, full of pain and full of secrets''.