Woke up in the wrong side of the bed, again. The motivation that was gathered last night vanished like it was never there before. Looking at the mirror, there she was again. The same messed up girl, lost and wrecked as ever.
How do I get out of this madness? How do I pick myself from all of this nonsense? Am I supposed to open my eyes every morning to commit the same mistakes from yesterday? How do I step back, breath and do better?
Can you tell me how?
Questions, endless list of questions are my breakfast, lunch and dinner. I'm too full, almost vomiting but I kept eating...thinking that I might figure this out when I successfully kill myself from pressure. From all the expectations and all the judging eyes.
They seem to look at me when in reality they do not. I sit on my usual spot and I feel them follow my back. They scrutinise the way I dress or the way I hold my pen. I feel them say words close to my ears but when I looked back... they don't even sit that near.
It's anxiety...or my anti social self taking down my self confidence. I don't have that much in the first place but still, as I look at the screen of my phone hoping they won't mind me at all, the hypocrite inside me wishes they atleast call my name once in a while...
... to tell me, I can do better too. That my name exist in their contacts too. That they know my face and that they see me walking through.. Or that I can be a friend or share a talk or two.
The day had passed and as Iay in bed, I clenched my fist and promise to start again. The sun rises and morning came. I opened my eyes and once again woke up in the same side from yesterday...everything unfolding in a non-stop repeat.