The agony of withdrawal

So it's been few months since you guys talked but it seems forever, the last hug and forehead kiss you received seems like a blur memory now, the last conversation without arguments and fights is something you cannot remember.

And this boy, whom you gave all of you, doesn't care.

You never thought you'd end this way but that's the harsh truth you try to live with, everyday. You've become so numb that you don't even cry or slit your wrists anymore, but little do they know, this isn't healing, you're still hurting.

To escape reality, you take sleeping pills and drags of cigarettes, which help you with nothing, but more unhappiness.

In the process of loving him and trying to be 'enough' for him, you completely forgot that loving yourself was your main part.

So now you try to seek love from others, who isn't him, who can never be him, but you still try to find him in them, don't you?

So you go and decide to replace him with another guy, but just after few days, when he leans in to kiss you, you hesitate at first but then eventually allow. You can't find the taste you've been addicted to, the touch you've been craving to feel, the boy you've been dreaming about.

And as your new 'someone' kisses your neck, you don't feel that adrenaline rush, anymore.

Your hands don't seem to fit in this new boy's hand, but you're still with him, aren't you?

Because after so much time, you've finally someone who's trying to make you feel loved. But little does he know, you're still not enough for yourself, you're still not over the boy you've been trying to find in others, you're still faking and hurting.

Replacements aren't easy, right?

So the other day, you hear about his new girlfriend and you are reluctant to believe it.

Because he has always been someone sweet, someone who cares, someone who stays.

But then you start believing the 'news' about his new girlfriend, you imagine scenarios and the way she would be kissing him. It kills you because your lips was all that he tasted for so many months and they aren't there anymore.

It hurts, isn't it?

Your 11:11 wishes aren't about getting him back, anymore, but knowing that he didn't replace you.

Oh, how you wish that he loses her, you hope he feels the pain in the heart, and someday you both cross paths and he realises what he let go.

You keep on creating scenarios and wondering what would you do if you receive a call from him someday, or meet him down the street, while he is busy pressing his lips against your replacement.

So, you have to let it all go. The way he kissed you, the smell of his cologne, the way you two cuddled.

You have to let it all go and you have to let him go because that's who he was, not who he is.

Yes. He did replace you,

He isn't coming back.

And you've to live with this for God knows, how long.

And now,

The regret finally consumes you, because you always made excuses for him.

Excuses for why he treated you badly.

Excuses for why you were accepting less than you deserved.

But in the end, he turned out to be the person he swore he'd never be.

But you're ready to do it all again,

You still want him, don't you?