The All of Me

There wasn’t a moment in my past where I felt I wasn’t enough, but that changed now somehow. What am I? A failure? A bad person? An unlucky soul? Or am I just a regular human being trying to fit in? I know you wouldn’t know the answer either. We, after all, are here for the same reason. To figure out a solution for this dilemma.

From our childhood, we have been taught that every action of ours has consequences, and Karma will get back at us no matter what. But is that necessary? Doesn’t it hold us back from certain things which are meant to be tried out? Hell, we can even think of the consequences ourselves before doing anything. Why do we think so much before doing anything? Where did we learn this from? Is it from the early life lessons that put us in this turmoil? Cowards, that’s what we become.

I had incredible confidence and energy to do anything I wanted and succeed in adolescence. Even now, I have the same confidence and the same energy. But something has changed. What an irony to think of the reason for this ambivalence is overthinking. Indeed, I think a lot before doing anything, and then there are things that I do without any hesitation. After making a list of things that I would and wouldn’t do, I filtered them out based on how important they were to me. Apparently, waking up with a hangover the next day isn’t important. I realized that I give importance to very few things in my life, and those were responsible for my pitiful life.

The more I thought about this, the more insignificant I felt because my entire life full of disappointments flashed like a dream. I lost so many opportunities that’d have given me the taste of happiness. Correction, I ignored so many opportunities that’d have given me the taste of happiness. As I sat in my hollowness, thinking about everything, I realized that I used to be emotional and sensitive in a previous life. Now, I mastered the skill of smiling away all my woes.

I lie. I lie to my parents. I lie to my friends. I lie to the people around me. Above all, I lie to myself that I’m okay. Now that I know what’s wrong with me, you know what I did to make myself feel better. I smiled and evaded my thoughts.

This is me trying to figure out why I feel miserable every second of my life.