Hello again my friend, I have missed you here a lot..maybe because we talk in real life actually.. that's strange but here I come and confess my deepest darkest secrets and thoughts.. I let it all out..so it's different.. there we are less than friends..maybe close colleagues or something..
Enough with the intro..today I came to face a criticism..and unfortunately it was all true..
The problem with me when it comes to that is I struggle a lot with feeling good enough and having the opportunity to fix something that would make me even more good enough..like all I want is to jump at the chance to make myself better..yet I deeply long for acceptance at that moment..and that is exactly when I fight back and start crying..comfort me or ignore me it's the same.. I will feel bad for disappointing you and will feel the need to change now.. immediately..right damn now..however I can't.. it's not human.. what's human is to slow down..stay silent for a while.. apologize and start the change process..but that's not what goes on in my brain..my first thought is..look how disappointed you made that beautiful person..dispite all the change you have made and yet see..such a mistake would only come from a bad person..you..and I struggle so hard to shut that sound added to the disappointment in the face of someone I love and boom..it all explodes and I start crying telling myself that I am not lovable and not good enough..like I would want the person infornt of of me to magically throw away the disapointment and hug me and tell me they still love me and I am still good enough.
We are not in a magical world so that's not gonna happen.. however I have came across things that might make it easier..like in the mid of conversation make sure to point that you are disappointed in the attitude not in me..maybe tell me that this doesn't affect how you feel about me.. because saying I love you would be hard at that time..and at the end when I stop crying and start apologizing.. I hope you'd be kind enough and forgiving to let it go, give me a hug and we start telling jokes and laughing again..the good thing about that is that I am patient when I upset someone.. I usually keep trying to make amends until the air is clear..probably for as long as it takes..but when it is.. it's your turn to help me deal with the damage cause by the struggle I go through..and I promise.. I will work on whatever made you upset :))
So my friend.. I wonder would you be able to be this kind of friend to me..we shall see :))